(submitted via mobile phone--please excuuuse typos)
twenty years ago when a friend and I spent a month backpacking in alaska I discovered a new type of freedom...freedom from stuff. I remember thinking at the time how wonderful houehold chores are when camping--shake the dirt out of the tent--wash the pot & dish you just used in order to prep for the next meal--stand in a lauundrymat strip down to minimal acceptable attire, wash it all and then pack it right back up again.
I think this is one reason why I enjoy travel...it makes me pack essentials and be less encumbered by the daily trappings of modern life. I struggle to free my brain from that girl-scout-preparedness, offspring-of-a-depression-era-mom-I-might-need-this-someday thought pattern which leads to squirreling away behavior. I know what is essential but I have not limited myself to those essential things in my daily life.
I have experienced a similar epiphany of freedom in this journey of grief. clarity of thought about what is truly important---my family, people, jesus, god, joy & peace from him. a widow friend expressed a desire to bottle that knowledge/realization that comes in the initial stages of grief. it is hard to stay fresh in that thought. just like returning from a trip when we are quickly emerged back into our previous household surroundings after the first weeks of grief we are quickly submerged into daily life. for me I call it the "martha" perspective--"running around" distracted by the mundane. for me true joy comes in my "mary" times of sitting at his feet. I want a balance of the joy & freedom of doing the mundane with total focus of his daily presence.
Currently listening to:
one child sleeping
Today's reading:
Acts
The Guernsey literary & potato peel pie society
Today grateful for:
Comfort Zone Camp
God's provision
safety & a good vehicle
friends & family willing to share the journey
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Don't ask, don't tell (or step away from the Christian)
(posted via phone so please excuse typos)
These days we have become proficient in distancing ourselves from our fellow man. We communicate silently via technology. We do not know our neighbors. We feel good writing a check or dropping change in a bucket for a needy person we never have to meet. We greet each other in passing with "hi, how are you?" but we are not listening to the answer. I think we would do better to just take that phrase out of our daily habitual greetings. Sometimes we are not only not listening, we are simply waiting in the conversation to talk about ourselves. Andy had been teaching me to live in the present and to focus totally on the other person.
This societal habit has become more apparent to me as I have gone through this journey of grief. I believe this habit of not listening is the most painful when it comes from our fellow Christians. Christians can cut off communication by saying to someome "I,ll pray for you/them."
Several weeks ago I was having a very hard time and when another believer greeted me & made the habitual inquiry, I answered that I was making it (actually I was barely holding it together that day.) The response was "oh, ok." Really why would he/she ask if not open to the truth. so.... Don't ask and I won,t tell you.
Andy and I used to lament why some "Christians" feel the need to plaster religious symbols on ads, vehicles, etc or tell you they are Christians in the first minute of conversation. We quickly learned this meant lock your doors, hang onto you wallet, & put up the shields....get ready to be patronized, preached at, or given a track. What a sad message that is to the world....step away from the Christian.
Do we see Jesus model this type of behavior? No, in fact He was incredibly (supernaturally) in tune with what people needed. Do we not have the same supernatual ability available to us? We should ask the Lord to give us the ability to see with His eyes and hear with His ears before we ever walk out the door. How will we ever reach out to the world if we are not of one accord? Which comes first love of self or love of Christ?
Is the idol in my life myself?
These days we have become proficient in distancing ourselves from our fellow man. We communicate silently via technology. We do not know our neighbors. We feel good writing a check or dropping change in a bucket for a needy person we never have to meet. We greet each other in passing with "hi, how are you?" but we are not listening to the answer. I think we would do better to just take that phrase out of our daily habitual greetings. Sometimes we are not only not listening, we are simply waiting in the conversation to talk about ourselves. Andy had been teaching me to live in the present and to focus totally on the other person.
This societal habit has become more apparent to me as I have gone through this journey of grief. I believe this habit of not listening is the most painful when it comes from our fellow Christians. Christians can cut off communication by saying to someome "I,ll pray for you/them."
Several weeks ago I was having a very hard time and when another believer greeted me & made the habitual inquiry, I answered that I was making it (actually I was barely holding it together that day.) The response was "oh, ok." Really why would he/she ask if not open to the truth. so.... Don't ask and I won,t tell you.
Andy and I used to lament why some "Christians" feel the need to plaster religious symbols on ads, vehicles, etc or tell you they are Christians in the first minute of conversation. We quickly learned this meant lock your doors, hang onto you wallet, & put up the shields....get ready to be patronized, preached at, or given a track. What a sad message that is to the world....step away from the Christian.
Do we see Jesus model this type of behavior? No, in fact He was incredibly (supernaturally) in tune with what people needed. Do we not have the same supernatual ability available to us? We should ask the Lord to give us the ability to see with His eyes and hear with His ears before we ever walk out the door. How will we ever reach out to the world if we are not of one accord? Which comes first love of self or love of Christ?
Is the idol in my life myself?
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Holiday battles
I am glad December is over! I am weary from the battle. We spent the morning at home and then were scheduled to spend the evening with family out of town. However, Christmas day we were 3 hours late reaching our destination because I had a few battles that day.
Battling with:
---the weather past...16 inches of snow meant parking at the top of our big hill driveway which meant lugging suitcases and presents uphill to load into the car
---the weather present...it was POURING down rain Christmas morning
---depression...this was my biggest battle that day, fighting that darkness
---hatred ---someone slashed one of our tires on the other car (not sure, but thinking it is a neighbor since the tire was fine at 9:30 PM the night before and completely flat by 9:00 the next AM
The next 36 hours was a continuation of the battle. Why do humans feel the need to hurt the ones dearest to them? Although I felt victimized and guilty of self-pity during those hours with my family, I also know I am capable of dishing out bad behavior on my loved ones as well. I am guilty of snapping at the boys when I am tired at the end of the day and my patience is its thinnest. I know the Lord wants me to pour out his love on even adult family members. It was a tough battle not just to say "I have had enough of this mess...I am outta here! I am taking my boys and leaving." We expect adults to have it more together. I spent a lot of time in prayer and in the Word as a result of this feeling of rejection from an immediate family member.
I also found comfort in listening to this song (I must have hit the back button on this CD in the car more than 20 times in the 48 hour period.)
Currently listening to:
Superchick (of course)
Dinner tonight:
Beef Bourguignon
Today's reading:
Praying God's Word by Beth Moore
Philippeans
Mountain Top by Robert Whitlow (my leisure holiday read)
Today grateful for:
God's faithfulness, my boys, God's provision and protection, a missionary's annointing and her willingness to share
Battling with:
---the weather past...16 inches of snow meant parking at the top of our big hill driveway which meant lugging suitcases and presents uphill to load into the car
---the weather present...it was POURING down rain Christmas morning
---depression...this was my biggest battle that day, fighting that darkness
---hatred ---someone slashed one of our tires on the other car (not sure, but thinking it is a neighbor since the tire was fine at 9:30 PM the night before and completely flat by 9:00 the next AM
The next 36 hours was a continuation of the battle. Why do humans feel the need to hurt the ones dearest to them? Although I felt victimized and guilty of self-pity during those hours with my family, I also know I am capable of dishing out bad behavior on my loved ones as well. I am guilty of snapping at the boys when I am tired at the end of the day and my patience is its thinnest. I know the Lord wants me to pour out his love on even adult family members. It was a tough battle not just to say "I have had enough of this mess...I am outta here! I am taking my boys and leaving." We expect adults to have it more together. I spent a lot of time in prayer and in the Word as a result of this feeling of rejection from an immediate family member.
I also found comfort in listening to this song (I must have hit the back button on this CD in the car more than 20 times in the 48 hour period.)
Currently listening to:
Superchick (of course)
Dinner tonight:
Beef Bourguignon
Today's reading:
Praying God's Word by Beth Moore
Philippeans
Mountain Top by Robert Whitlow (my leisure holiday read)
Today grateful for:
God's faithfulness, my boys, God's provision and protection, a missionary's annointing and her willingness to share
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