Sunshine and dust

Last December as part of a book club, I read The Power of Agency by Dr. Paul Napper and Dr. Anthony Rao. Little did I know then, that the coming year would be one with very little time for agency.

“Agency is what allows you to pause, evaluate, and act when you face a challenge—be it at work, home, or anywhere else in the world” (Napper, 2019)

This year with increased work from my job, a new volunteer position, and having lost my house helper and carpool assistant, Tim, to college life, I have very minimal "agency" time. These days I struggle with distraction during my morning quiet times. 

In the years immediately following Andy's death, I clung to God as a small, terrified child who holds a death grip on his mother's leg for security. Those morning quiet times were never long enough. God spoke to me in those mornings and through His Word.  I was closer to God then, than any time previously. 

This week I had a reprieve with the Thanksgiving holiday. The university, school, and volunteer organizations were closed for Thursday, Friday, and the adjacent weekend. It takes me at least two days of any time off, to wind down and get past the chores and responsibilities to a place of mental retreat. 

This Sunday as I sat at the kitchen table searching scripture, sunshine flooded in through the window. I was occupied, desperately seeking God's face as I am certain He is preparing me for a yet to be revealed time or task. The sunlight illuminated the dust and dirt covering my table, chairs and floor. 

Didn't I just clean and mop this after dinner last night? Out of that distraction came insight.

God's Word is the light shining into my heart and mind, illuminating every speck, including what is not from Him. Proper introspection can come only from staying in daily touch with God--asking Him to show me and teach me.

currently listening to:
bread machine

currently reading: 
Genesis
The Cost of Discipleship
The Lazy Genius Way
The ministry of ordinary places
Stylish Academic Writing
1984

today grateful for:  
time with my boys
God's faithfulness
His word 
paid time off
modern technology and online church services
clean water 
sunshine

No two years are alike

My dad had a saying, "If you use a new word three times, it is yours." On weekdays while I prioritize my calendar, I listen to the Merriam Webster's word of the day podcast. Enjoying words reminds me of Andy. I would kid him as, my LOV, lord of the vocabulary. 

I look forward to Merriam Webster's announcement of the word of the year for 2020. The Oxford dictionary folks have capitulated to a crowded list of "words of the year" including "unprecedented." None of their choices are superlative. Their lack of definitive choice is appropriate as tepidness sums up 2020.

Just as we are often reminded that no two children are alike, this year has been a vivid reminder that each year has different events, sadness, and joy.

Despite tepidness, this year does not feel as gray as the previous eleven since Andy's death. This came to mind when I reposted a Facebook article on grief in the holiday season. I did not have my own season in mind, but I was thinking of the mother who is marking the first year anniversary of her child's passing and the relatives who are facing the first holiday season without a brother and mother. Perhaps this year is exceptional because it feels as if the earth has been knocked out of its ordered rotation. Nevertheless, I am grateful that God in His sovereignty and grace has given us a chance to scrutinize our routines, precepts, priorities, and beliefs.

This year differs from others for me as....a year with my adult child, who transitioned into the college world....a year of stepping into the expanded role of professor....a year with an amplified amount of domestic, voluntary, and occupational responsibilities...a year without vacation... a year with numerous opportunities to reflect and analyze assumptions, customs and rituals.

Here's to hoping that this year is remembered as one of introspection, both collectively and individually. 

"Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. Blessed is the one who fears the Lord always, but whoever hardens his heart will fall into calamity."   Proverbs 28:13-14 ESV

currently listening to:
dripping faucet

currently reading: 
Genesis
The Cost of Discipleship
The Lazy Genius Way
The ministry of ordinary places
Stylish Academic Writing
1984

today grateful for:  
my boys
BSF
faith
His word 
God's plan
paid time off
modern technology for communication
cool weather 
clean water 
electricity