A Dream Deferred
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
This past weekend was the Richmond Marathon & Half Marathon. Some time ago, I had set a goal for myself of running in the half. This year I did not even run in the 10 miler, not because I did not want to but because I have gone from logging 18-25 miles per week to running about 6 miles or less a week. Tomorrow is T's 9th birthday and I am glad we have been able to celebrate it for several days starting this past Saturday with a wonderful party with 11 of his very energetic friends. I am glad he is a child with bright dreams and childlike faith. It is amazing how many times he leads me in productive and encouraging thoughts.
Last year and this year, rather than thinking of his birthday as the wonderful day when he arrived in our arms, I think back to 2 years ago when we celebrated T's birthday at home with a steak dinner (his request) and Andy was not able to eat much because it was the day when he initially got sick.
When Andy died so many dreams disintegrated and vanished into thin air.
raising children as a
growing old together
having a soulmate to share life with and to balance me out
having a dad to play "World of Pain" with
having a dad to teach you the facts of life
having a dad to teach you how to stand up to pee
having a dad to teach you how to keep millions of sports statistics in your head
having a dad to teach you how to treat a woman like a princess
having a dad to carry you or hold your hand
having a dad to model how to be a man of God
At the present time I do not really know what my goals and dreams should be. I am sort of back to survival mode because my boys are struggling in school/daycare. You would think as a teacher I would have instant solutions at my fingertips, but really I feel like I am leaning over the back of the couch trying to reach something that has fallen behind it but it is just beyond my fingertips.
I have been studying and working on memorizing parts of Psalm 139
You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
As wearisome as that is, I know that I can talk to God about all of it...my lack of knowledge, my small faith, my weaknesses, my frustrations.
My dreams may have been deferred but my hope has not.
Hope that my boys will succeed in what God has planned for them.
Hope that my boys will see God's presence daily.
Hope that they will be strong men of God like their father prayed for them to be.
Hope that they will know who they are in Christ.
Hope that I will exhibit more characteristics of one with the mind of Christ.
Hope that He will get me past the days of just getting by.
Hope that I will get back on track with my health goals-losing my grief weight and getting to my healthy weight goal.
Hope that I will love running again.
Hope that I will be able to see past daily survival and on to greater things.
Hope that I will be faithful in the little so He will trust me with more.
Hope that I will have time in my life for helping others rather than focusing on myself.
Hope there will be dreams and goals for the future.
Hope in Him.
