days like today...need "do over" buttons

After I put the kids to bed tonight, I had that heavy I-get-the-bad-parenting-award feeling. Our day started out fine, pleasant in fact. However, we leapt off the cliff by day's end.

Lately, my patience is as thin as a wafer from daily wear and tear on the home front. It did not take long today to gash through my scant reserve only a short while after whining, complaining and opposition began. Add to that the homework, studying for tests, school projects and household tasks, and I was a goner. The occasions are rare when a child exhibits initiative or forethought. As the only adult in the house, there is no mediator to step in or tag team partner to take over when I am spent. Many days feel like I am trying to run uphill while towing a trailer full of wild, screaming monkeys as the freezing rain pelts me.

On the bright side, at this hour of the night I cannot run to the grocery store to buy a pint of ice cream.

When days end this way, I try to refocus before I go to bed. Sometimes it takes longer to unload and unwind. Often I find music my path to refreshing. Tonight when I opened my Pandora internet radio station, "hymns for worship," the following was the first song.



Thank you God for music.

currently listening to:
pandora radio, hymns

dinner:
mexican

currently reading:
the last battle
no other gods
7: an experimental mutiny against excess
helping children know God
galatians, psalms

today grateful for:
God
my boys
forgiveness and hope
home
music (and technology to easily access it)
sleep

questions of life

I have written previously of my questions following Andy's death. This morning I read a devotional from Morningstar ministries that addresses "The Questions of Life" which are my questions. Rick Joyner writes:

"I am not sure why, but I intend to inquire of the Lord until we know. I am not doing this out of guilt or sorrow, but so we do not keep losing these battles."

The few times I have begun to inquire, I feel the fear begin to well up and so I stop. I cannot inquire yet with out "guilt or sorrow."

This morning I was reading from 2 Timothy where Paul knows his life is near the end and he writes to Timothy with a solid focus on God, His plan, and Jesus. I admire that maturity and quality in Paul, especially knowing where Paul was at that time. Rick Joyner also writes:

"As Paul Cain recently said, "Christian maturity does not come with the passage of time, but by the right responses to the dealings of God." If we are to mature from Dennis' battle, we must have the right response to it."

Here I am in my 40's and I am still far from spiritually mature. I know God is near, here with me---where am I? How far am I from Him?

currently listening to:
silence after a big blow up between the boys (each has been dispatched to a separate room)
and

currently reading:
the final battle
7: an experimental mutiny against excess
2 Timothy

today grateful for:
God and His patience with me
God's faithfulness
the Bible

january funk, resolve, and vacillation

I have not blogged in a while because my focus towards creative or productive thought has been erratic. When I am away from my home and my computer, which is most of the time, I have moments of clarity and inspiration of topics for blogging. When I have my laptop in hand, I cannot think of what to write so I tend to read instead. As of late, I am not successful in backtracking through my memory and finding my lost brainstorms.

My January funk or malaise only hinders my ability to focus. Once home, I vacillate between determined and unmotivated. Since our winter break, I have continued to sleep more and do less around the house during workdays. Many weekdays I am in bed as soon as possible after I put the kids to bed. I am sleeping 8-10 hours so I am not an early riser these days either---at least by my standards (rising early means awake before 6 AM). It seems to be a regular cycle of wake, have quiet time, dress, pack lunches, eat breakfast, go to work/school, attend the boys' after-school activities(athletics, bereavement groups/counseling, scouts), monitor or cajole homework, teach/remediate, fix/eat dinner, coordinate bathes, do bits of housework, bed... I squeeze in reading and grocery shopping while the boys are at their athletic practices.

As winter progresses, I have a few goals. My main goal continues to be to simplify and declutter in order to move towards a somewhat minimalistic household. The kitchen has been the easiest place to start and make progress. I have cleared out most of our tupperware, rubbermaid, and the like. I want to eliminate plastic completely from our kitchen, so that when we heat up, cook or store food it is done in glass or metal. I have eliminated half of our knife collection as well as half of our pots, pans, and baking-ware. I am slowly clearing off the kitchen counter tops and making room to store many things/appliances inside cabinets. The coffeemaker, microwave and vitamix warrant their spots "above ground" though. Since mid-December, we have taken a car load every week to Goodwill/consignment store/dump. My eldest took it upon himself to select a garbage bag full of gently used stuffed animals to donate to Gleaning for the World's Teddy Bear Brigade. (big mom smile) I have packed away many knick knacks and self-standing picture frames from our great room. I enjoy the visual peacefulness .

I am currently reading a book that I am enjoying and hoping for further inspiration towards my goal of simplification. It is entitled, 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker. Hers is a Christian point of view towards minimalism in order to eliminate distractions and get closer to God.

In his book, Money, Possessions, and Eternity, Randy Alcorn discusses this perspective as well. (He is the author of one of my all time favorite books-Safely Home.) [I am buying ebooks so as not to have physical book clutter. One advantage of ebooks is that since I have both the Nook app and Kindle app on my phone, I can carry my "library" anywhere I go.]
I have read other secular books about decluttering and simplifying:
Give it up! by Mary Carlomagno
Simplify by Joshua Becker
Miss Minimalist Inspiration to Downsize, Declutter, and Simplify by Francine Jay
Living in the land of enough by Courtney Carver

I follow Peter Walsh on Facebook/Twitter and his show "Extreme Clutter" on OWN is one of a handful of shows I watch. I like his philosophy of having a vision for your space(s) and using that to motivate and guide you.

Time will tell.

currently listening to:
boys playing

breakfast:
me--egg white & spinach sandwich
kids--toast & fruit

currently reading:
the final battle
7: an experimental mutiny against excess
proverbs

today grateful for:
my boys
home
God
provision
safety
laughter
coffee
sunlight