Not single

I read another widow's blog and some of the things she wrote about, mirror my own feelings and experiences.

I have a hard time with the boxes on information forms which ask you to select a status from choices such as married, single, etc. Widowed is rarely a choice. I hate checking single because I do not feel I am single. I do refer to my situation as being a single parent but I am not single. I have not taken off my wedding ring and in fact I wear his ring everyday on a necklace. I think taking them off at this point is too much of a final goodbye--one I do not want to say. [It is interesting to me how some folks who know me, have not noticed that I never wear other types of jewelry. Even my own mother has given me 2 necklaces (which still remain in gift boxes) since December 2, 2008.]

Just like Widow Chick writes in her blog, "Does death really part you", I was not one to cry at weddings. In fact, I am not one to cry in front of anyone. (I was told often as a child that I should only cry when I was physically harmed. I think I learned that lesson too well.) This past August, I attended my first wedding since Andy's death and it got to me. It hit a chord and I cried in public. Andy did not like attending weddings but he always went along when I asked him to go with me. He was a doll at our own wedding--he soothed me through all the planning stress and the other family stress of our wedding. He was incredibly empathic and thoughtful--more than I ever deserved.

Yesterday was Andy's birthday, the second since he died. He would have been 43 this year. Last year we celebrated by eating his favorite meal. This year we went camping with the cub scouts. We had a blast, including having the boys experience their first rainy camping trip. I asked T if he wanted to celebrate a day late and eat Andy's fav foods for dinner. T said no that we had celebrated his birthday by going camping. T seems less concerned about making a big deal of his dad's birthday than in the months immediately following Andy's death as I wrote of in a blog in January 2009.

Of course, M, our 4 year old, has a different point of view or remembrance. He speaks of his dad, but I often wonder what he really remembers. This weekend, every time someone made a reference to a mom and dad, such as "Your mom and dad wouldn't like it if you ..." M would say, "I only have a mom." That breaks my heart. T usually addresses such situations by saying his dad died. It is still very vivid for T as it is for me.

Next week is our wedding anniversary-our 12th. I am not single.


Currently listening to:
my boys playing Wii Fit

Lunch:
leftovers & sandwiches

Currently reading:
The Power of a Praying Life
See You in a Hundred Years
Skillful Teacher (homework)

Today grateful for:
time with my boys
Cub Scouts
a warm house
dry clothes
a washing machine & dryer
camping
fall
God

To remain faithful

I was humbled this morning, as I read a message which included the quote below. It definitely makes me conscious of how I pray. Do I ask for the trial and suffering to be removed, which definitely a selfish request or do I ask for the strength to remain faithful and strength to glorify and magnify the Lord? Last night I had one of those selfish times complete with my own pity party wallowing in my own sorrow for being a single parent, being without my soulmate, and feeling as though I have lost me in this process. Not once did it occur to me to pray to remain faithful. Thank you Lord for, today, a new day and thank you for your gentle reminders. Please give me the strength to remain faithful today.

As VOM(Voice of the Martyr) staff travel around the world, one of the questions we ask our persecuted brothers and sisters is, "How can we help you?"

Their request, almost every time, is a simple one: "Pray for us." They aren't asking us to pray that all of their trials and persecution will cease. They are asking us to pray that in spite of the things they suffer, God will enable them to remain faithful.

Does a body good

Sometimes you just gotta praise and stomp your way through --- it does a body good.

Pesach

Andy and I had many discussions about the Feasts celebrated by Jews. We often watched Zola Levitt, a messianic Jew, as he taught the history of these feasts and their relevance for Christians. Our favorite was his teachings about Passover (Pesach). We always planned to but never seemed to get around to carrying out a Seder meal. Yesterday I had a light bulb moment about how our family and hopefully friends can celebrate the Passover this year.

In my time this week, I was reading from Hebrews and it reminded me of the "devotional" that Andy led at one of the men's fellowship times at our church. Hebrews recounts the faith of the patriarchs. Andy read from Hebrews, if I remember correctly (he practiced his devotional presentation on me---I was not actually at that men's fellowship-obviously) he talked about how important it was to recount what the Lord has done for us in our lives.

Every night as part of our bedtime prayer ritual, the boys and I each state something we are thankful for that day. We started this practice after Andy died because it seemed as though we were getting much more negative with our attitudes and I wanted us to have a daily focus on the positive. I actually was first inspired years ago by an idea on an Oprah show for keeping a gratitude notebook.

So---ding, ding, ding--this week the little bell went off in my head. Since Passover commemorates how God delivered the Jews from captivity, it is a celebration of what God has done for us. So this year, I hope to have a Seder where we recount not only the history of Passover, but also each of our testimonies of deliverance and salvation as well as recounting the things of this past year for which we give thanks to God. I am going to get a chart, board, notebook or some such that each of us can write in/on and record these things from now until our Seder. At our celebration we will read from our record of God's blessings for us for which we are grateful.


Currently listening to:
the "breathing" sound of the computer & AC along with whirring of the dishwasher and washing machine

Dinner:
Mahi, rice, broccoli

Currently reading:
The Power of a Praying Life
Hebrews
Psalms

Today grateful for:
my boys
God's presence
the Bible
time at home
reading with T
that tomorrow is Friday
comfy pants with an elastic waistband

Presence

Since becoming a widow / single parent, my quiet time is truly a precious time. It is the one time in the day when I feel I sane, not overwhelmed by being a working mom, widow, and single parent...
-trying to remember the 50 million things that need to be done, packed or turned on/off before leaving the house in the morning
-scrambling to complete all the tasks that need to be done in the 2 hours between arriving home in the evening and before bedtime
-feeling guilty because I forgot to have the boys brush their teeth before bed
-wishing I did not wear makeup because of the valuable time it takes to put it on and then later take it off
-wishing I had a maid, a gardener/landscaper, a cook, my own hairstylist, a personal shopper and
-wishing no goodbyes have to be said to the ones I love.

My quiet time is the time I have to open up, worship, listen, and pour out-an intimate time. I always want that time to be longer. It is not that I cannot do these things during the day, it is just that I have such difficulty focusing while being surrounded by the mundane each day.

I have heard Christians say, "Lord, give me more of you," or "the Lord showed up today," or "Lord, don't hold back your love from me." Such statements make it sound like God comes and goes, that His love has conditions or that He varies in intensity or the percentage of His presence.

I believe God is always fully with us to the fullest extent that He is present on this earth. Because "the veil was torn," we no longer have to physically venture up a mountain to "get to God." He is always here. He is more than I can imagine, right beside me while also filling up every space on this earth.

God's love is not conditional. God is not like a pet that if I stroke behind his ears then He will manifest more love towards me. He is always in my space. It is up to me to just open up, turn and be with Him. When I open up I get more, so the extent to which I experience God is up to me. I do not have to chase after God - He is here - I just have to keep myself open - He is right here. It is like dating-are you focused on the one you love or are you distracted by your surroundings, circumstances? Do you choose to look into His face or are you like the dogs from the movie, "Up,"---if someone hollers "squirrel!" are you automatically distracted. God has not gone anywhere--I have looked away, been distracted, looked into the darkness instead of the light.

In the past in my marriage, when I had exciting news, I wanted to immediately tell Andy. When I was stressed, I wanted to be with him, ask him for his advice and hear his reassurance. He was there beside me as my soulmate. Now Andy is gone--people are not always here when we want them--God is. He will never leave. He is not somewhere up above me in the sky. He is not somewhere on a distant throne. Experiencing Him does not exclusively require closing my eyes to search and labor to see Him. He is right here with me, beside me, all the time.

"rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks." 1 Thess. 5:16-18

Sometimes for me, the quandary comes in how to stay snuggled up close to God while not wanting to be secluded with just Him--shooing away His other children. Balance is hard. When I first started reading the writings of Thomas Merton and others such as the desert monks, I found I could relate to the delight and pleasure of the uninterrupted life of intimacy with God. Now I have two precious boys, that mean the world to me, so I have to learn to be present with and for them in this world while being surrounded, enveloped, and snuggled up to God. I know what my life purpose is but I ask Him daily to help me rejoice always, pray without ceasing and live my life as worship. It really is like both Martha & Mary---Lord how can I have qualities of both sisters simultaneously?

Face up

Third Day's new single, Lift Up Your Face, is an AWESOME song. The group has done it again-by making a song that rocks and is soulful with a full open heart of worship. The opening just takes me there because it features the Blind Boys of Alabama. Andy sang a Blind Boys song, "I shall not walk alone," at a funeral--it was powerful. Andy introduced me to both of these musical groups. Thank you, my love.



Whenever I hear Third Day's new song, I cannot help but let myself go into a mental place of worship. It is a "crank up the volume and sing out at the top of your voice" song. I reminds me of my favorite Bible verse----

"Those who look to him are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame." Psalm 34:5 niv

The darkness and smothering weight of depression, loneliness, fear, worry, shame--all these vanish when you look to his radiant face. Thank you God's musicians for pointing his way-face up.

Not only does this song say the salvation of God is calling everyone's name, it also speaks to my heart by saying the salvation of God means total freedom from fear and worry. Salvation is like the "Nestea plunge" from days of old---just lift up your arms and fall back into His presence with no worries, just joy.



harmony sung facing God----true joy

Grief thoughts from Voice of the Martyrs "Extreme Devotional"

About 9 years ago I was in a ladies Christian book club. We met once a month to discuss books. I treasure that time. One book we read, "Safely Home" by Randy Alcorn, changed my perspective. This prayer burden for persecuted Christians is a blessing. I subscribe to a daily email devotion from the VOM (Voice of the Martyrs) entitled "Extreme Devotion." When I read today's devotion-wow! I just wanted to share.

“I feel so empty,” Elizabeth Prentiss wept. The loss of two children seemed overwhelming. Even though she had experienced great pain in her life from losing the use of her legs, her faith in Christ had always kept her smiling with a unique ability to encourage others.

This time the grief was too much to bear. “God, please minister to my broken spirit.”
God answered her prayer. One afternoon, moved beyond her deepest sorrow, she penned the words to this familiar, inspiring hymn:

More love to thee, O Christ, more love to thee!
Hear thou the prayer I make on bended knee.
This is my earnest plea: More love, O Christ, to thee . . .
Once earthly joy I craved, sought peace and rest;
Now thee alone I seek, give what is best . . .
Let sorrow do its work, send grief and pain;
Sweet are thy messengers, sweet their refrain
When they can sing with me: More love, O Christ, to thee . . .

Elizabeth never knew the comfort and impact her song would make on modern-day Christians. In North Korea when the late Communist leader Kim II Sung discovered thirty Christians living underground, he had them brought out for public execution. The last words sung by the Christians as they faced death were the words of her song, “More Love to Thee.”

Jesus does not begrudge us sorrow. He realizes that sometimes we simply must cry. But he loves us too much to let us drown in our sorrowful tears. He allows sorrow to last long enough to do its work in our lives, growing us into his likeness. Then, just when we think we can’t take it anymore, we see our lives take a turn for the better. The day will come when we will feel stronger. The burden will seem lighter. Like the North Korean Christians awaiting persecution, we will finally know what it is like to rejoice even while we are suffering. Have you experienced the full work of sorrow? Has it brought more love to Christ?