birthday blessings

today was my birthday and my sons surprised and treated me to several surprises.  when i returned home this morning from my saturday farmers' market shopping trip, i opened the front door to a beautiful chorus of "happy birthday." 

the table was set for breakfast and with specially folded napkins, a beautifully wrapped gift, and a spread of handmade cards. (one featuring "bacon man!")

my oldest wrote the verse jeremiah 1:5 on the chalkboard.  this alone made my heart sing.    it is a gift beyond words.

what can i say?  my boys have their dad's gift of intuition and insight.  it was a morning of pure joy for me.  my youngest made a list so as not to forget any details.   my oldest prepared an incredible, homemade breakfast for us...


fruit salad with strawberries, wine berries and bananas, the most delicious cheese omelet i have ever tasted, 
and croissants.

we sat and ate and giggled.   joy!














my oldest thought ahead and while he was at boy scout camp in june, he made me a sign for my library complete with the school mascot.

today was one of the best days.  one i will treasure.

dinner:

gourmet pizza and cheesecake (dining out)

listening to:

third day

currently reading:
when helping hurts

1 timothy

today grateful for:

my boys

another year

andy

God's word

laughter and joy

in one weekend...old friends & a new streak

This weekend i returned to my hometown to attend my 30th high school reunion. (Okay, you can stop doing the math in your head...i'm 48.) The first night we gathered on the grounds of the high school to picnic/tailgate with our families before the homecoming football game. The game was cancelled which was a blessing because we got to socialize and eat for hours longer. ...maybe getting to eat that long was not a blessing.

I did not have a huge number of close friends in high school, therefore, i only knew a few of the faces or names of many of the folks attending. The folks i spent most of the evening with were gals i had known since elementary school. We attended the same junior high, high school, college, and girl scout summer camp. The husband of one of these gals was such a doll. He played and raced with my boys so that i could manage to hold uninterrupted conversations. A blessing, indeed!

Saturday night, the class of 1981 gathered at local hotel for our evening. (sans children--Okay so most folks have grown children. Only a few of us have children who are not yet teens.) This is the type of situation, upon which i would have relied on andy to carry the socialization impetus. Socializing, unless i know folks very well, feels more like having a root canal. I do not seek out these types of opportunities.

My mom kept the boys saturday evening. She is 85 and lives in a retirement community. Prior to this, she was apprehensive about being alone with the boys due to their normal energy level. As it turned out, the boys charmed their way through the dining hall. These boys are "stinking cute" and charmers like their dad. My youngest worked his magic on another elderly lady who tried to give him any and every dessert his heart might desire. In the end, she made him an ice cream sundae about the size of his head. He tried, but could not eat the whole thing. ...making a mental note---make sure the boys know how to use their looks for good, not for evil. lol

One of the disappointments from this weekend was i (it was all my fault) broke our reading streak. I forgot to read to the boys on saturday night before i went to my reunion party. Our streak ended at 106 days. figures, that i blogged about it....sort of like when you wash your car and it rains. The first thing my eldest said to me upon rising the next morning was, "you broke our streak." Oh yeah, no guilt there, sigh. I know, missing reading is not a life shattering thing by any means, but it did mean a lot to him. I know this not only because of his reaction to the my lapse, but also because he is writing about it in a paper he is working on for a fourth grade assignment. The assignment is entitled, why my family is special. It is for a contest with a monetary prize (hence, his burning motivation to write), so he told me i am not allowed to help him. In fact, he will not talk to me much about it or let me read any drafts. He gave me a few teasers---he thinks his family is special because we have family night and because of the reading streak. I am eager to read his paper and i am straining and struggling to hold back that overzealous, type a, overbearing, meddling mom side of me. I wonder how he perceives his world and his family.

Nevertheless, last night we continued reading from prince caspian (we are very near the end) and i reset our streak count. We made it 106 days before I broke our streak. My goal remains to read aloud to my boys for as many days as i can (even if it is not an unbroken streak). It has just occurred to me as i write this post, raising boys in the boy scout world means they will probably go to camp and other events with many days away from home. Days far away from telephones or technology, therefore, i do not know how we will maintain any unbroken streak through these. Oh well ...thoughts for another day (channeling my scarlet o'hara)..."i'll think about it tomorrow, after all tomorrow is another day."

currently listening to:
the dog snoring

dinner: (last night)
deli leftovers

currently reading:
prince caspian
buying & selling the souls of our children
the apostolic ministry
daniel, 1 peter, isaiah

today grateful for:
my boys
my mom
God's presence & mercy
morningstar ministries
old friends
provision
a working automobile

our streak and my pet peeve

Today, the boys and I reached the 100th day of our reading streak! I have read aloud to them every day for 100 days. We are two thirds of the way through our fourth book, prince caspian.
Thus far we have read:
the magician's nephew
the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe
the horse and his boy
At this point my youngest (5 years old) appears marginally interested in our nightly readings. My eldest(nine years old) has stated on several occasions that our daily read alouds are one of his favorite things that we do together. He has pleaded with me frequently to continue reading... "just a few more minutes." I love our reading time together.

We have worked around some obstacles in our schedules so as not to break our streak. This summer when the boys were staying out of state with their grandparents, I spoke to them each night and read via phone or skype. On some of our busier nights, I have read in the car before attending an evening event or taken our book into a restaurant to read to them as we waited for our meal.

I am grateful to alice ozma for sharing the story of a 3218 day reading streak sustained by her and her father, a librarian and single parent. From this single parent, librarian to another-thank you, mr. ozma.

Okay, switching gears...today while listening to NPR I noticed a trend...it seems modern American society has lost touch with our mother tongue-English and rules of proper usage. Do we no longer value proper speech, much less ADVERBS?! My boys look at me oddly when I rant at the those speaking on the television and radio. I have heard teachers, news anchors/reporters and well educated speakers using bad when they should have used badly, quick instead of quickly, etc. Today, I was annoyed while listening to NPR. A man who proclaimed to be the president of a writers' guild, more than once misused adjectives when he should have used adverbs. Arrgh!

currently listening to:
college football

dinner:
pork
potatoes
various veggies

currently reading:
prince caspian
getting things done
martha stewart living
wall street journal
daniel

today grateful for:
my boys
God's mercy
friends
my sitter
my hair stylist and a great paul mitchell salon(it's always a joy to go there! today i went in stressed and came out joyfully refreshed)
fall
provision
a working automobile
cell phones with texting

getting things done

GTD or getting things done is a book and system by David Allen. I have been beginning to implement this system in my worklife. Needless to say, now that I am back at work (even though my work life is MUCH more organized and my office and desk look great!) I am finding I do not have much energy when I get home at the end of the day. I need that extra energy at the end of the day for... time with the boys, fixing dinner, doing housework, exercising, blogging, etc. (That is why I have not blogged for quite sometime.)

Yesterday was a LONG day with tons of meetings and monkey-wrenches that had to be handled. The evening was supposed to be just for being with the boys...going to their school for open house/orientation. In the midst, I found out that my cell phone company had terminated my service because the bank had refused my check because it did not apparently like my account number. Turns out that the little guy, that's me, is getting the bad end of the deal as my big bank got swallowed up by a ginormous bank. I have learned in this past week that there are many more bad deals for us little guys to come from this mega bank. (Great! so now in my free time I get to search for and switch my bank.) Anywho, I was distracted by trying to handle all of this and I forgot to take my kids' big boxes of school supplies (which I spent a long time labeling night before last) to the school for orientation....my weekly "mom-forgot-something" moment. Even though I turned to fast food for our dinner, I did manage to get in our nightly reading session. I continue to be inspired by the actions of another single parent, librarian, written of in the Reading Promise. (We started our streak on June 8, 2011...73 days ago.)


A quote from Oswald Chambers I am ruminating over:
"Discouragement is disillusioned self-love, and self-love may be love for my devotion to Jesus— not love for Jesus Himself."

currently listening to:
my eldest turning the pages of his book as he reads for his required time(homework from mom)

dinner(last night):
fast food

currently reading:
the horse and his boy
unclutter your life in one week
the reading promise
romans

today grateful for:
my boys
God
provision
electricity
modern appliances
clean water
sleep

Lions and tigers and bees, oh my!

Just this past few weeks or so, my eldest (9yo) has referred to terms that I did not know he was even aware of. For me these have been "oh my" moments. The first was about ten days ago, when I was trying to find music for my son and his friends to listen to as they hung out on the front porch. I was flipping through channels and Rihanna's song, "What's my name" came up. I had never heard it before but I could not change the channel fast enough when I heard the number sixty nine in the lyrics. I said, "That is not appropriate" and changed the channel. My son walked over to me and said, "I know what that means." I do not know if my mouth dropped open or not because I was trying to think on my feet while reeling in shock. After a very brief conversation just inside our front door, (his friends were still on the porch) I determined that he did not know the exact meaning but he knew it related to the general male/female relationship topic.

Yesterday and today he asked me several questions which indicate to me that he and I need to begin having conversations. Yesterday I was browsing through the sales flyer from the Christian bookstore and I saw an ad for a newly published book, "5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Son" by Vicki Courtney. I went online and read a sample and immediately bought the nookbook version. Today, as I was getting my hair done, I read 3/4's of the book. Vicki-thank you! thank you! This book is a wonderful blessing for a single, widowed mom raising 2 boys.

She has scripture and even examples of how to start the conversations with sons. Needless to say, tonight during our weekly family night, one of those scriptures made its debut as our memory verse for the week. We are not having any of the conversations during family night as my youngest just turned 5 this week. I am counting on having more time before we go there with my baby boy.

I guess I thought I would have a bit more time in general. sigh

currently listening to:
kids sleeping/snoring

dinner:
black bean tortilla casserole
sugar snap peas
mandarin orange spinach salad

currently reading:
proverbs
5 conversations you must have with your son

today grateful for:
Christ
my boys
Christian authors and publishers
the Bible
God's presence, wisdom and discernment

Not single

I read another widow's blog and some of the things she wrote about, mirror my own feelings and experiences.

I have a hard time with the boxes on information forms which ask you to select a status from choices such as married, single, etc. Widowed is rarely a choice. I hate checking single because I do not feel I am single. I do refer to my situation as being a single parent but I am not single. I have not taken off my wedding ring and in fact I wear his ring everyday on a necklace. I think taking them off at this point is too much of a final goodbye--one I do not want to say. [It is interesting to me how some folks who know me, have not noticed that I never wear other types of jewelry. Even my own mother has given me 2 necklaces (which still remain in gift boxes) since December 2, 2008.]

Just like Widow Chick writes in her blog, "Does death really part you", I was not one to cry at weddings. In fact, I am not one to cry in front of anyone. (I was told often as a child that I should only cry when I was physically harmed. I think I learned that lesson too well.) This past August, I attended my first wedding since Andy's death and it got to me. It hit a chord and I cried in public. Andy did not like attending weddings but he always went along when I asked him to go with me. He was a doll at our own wedding--he soothed me through all the planning stress and the other family stress of our wedding. He was incredibly empathic and thoughtful--more than I ever deserved.

Yesterday was Andy's birthday, the second since he died. He would have been 43 this year. Last year we celebrated by eating his favorite meal. This year we went camping with the cub scouts. We had a blast, including having the boys experience their first rainy camping trip. I asked T if he wanted to celebrate a day late and eat Andy's fav foods for dinner. T said no that we had celebrated his birthday by going camping. T seems less concerned about making a big deal of his dad's birthday than in the months immediately following Andy's death as I wrote of in a blog in January 2009.

Of course, M, our 4 year old, has a different point of view or remembrance. He speaks of his dad, but I often wonder what he really remembers. This weekend, every time someone made a reference to a mom and dad, such as "Your mom and dad wouldn't like it if you ..." M would say, "I only have a mom." That breaks my heart. T usually addresses such situations by saying his dad died. It is still very vivid for T as it is for me.

Next week is our wedding anniversary-our 12th. I am not single.


Currently listening to:
my boys playing Wii Fit

Lunch:
leftovers & sandwiches

Currently reading:
The Power of a Praying Life
See You in a Hundred Years
Skillful Teacher (homework)

Today grateful for:
time with my boys
Cub Scouts
a warm house
dry clothes
a washing machine & dryer
camping
fall
God

Presence

Since becoming a widow / single parent, my quiet time is truly a precious time. It is the one time in the day when I feel I sane, not overwhelmed by being a working mom, widow, and single parent...
-trying to remember the 50 million things that need to be done, packed or turned on/off before leaving the house in the morning
-scrambling to complete all the tasks that need to be done in the 2 hours between arriving home in the evening and before bedtime
-feeling guilty because I forgot to have the boys brush their teeth before bed
-wishing I did not wear makeup because of the valuable time it takes to put it on and then later take it off
-wishing I had a maid, a gardener/landscaper, a cook, my own hairstylist, a personal shopper and
-wishing no goodbyes have to be said to the ones I love.

My quiet time is the time I have to open up, worship, listen, and pour out-an intimate time. I always want that time to be longer. It is not that I cannot do these things during the day, it is just that I have such difficulty focusing while being surrounded by the mundane each day.

I have heard Christians say, "Lord, give me more of you," or "the Lord showed up today," or "Lord, don't hold back your love from me." Such statements make it sound like God comes and goes, that His love has conditions or that He varies in intensity or the percentage of His presence.

I believe God is always fully with us to the fullest extent that He is present on this earth. Because "the veil was torn," we no longer have to physically venture up a mountain to "get to God." He is always here. He is more than I can imagine, right beside me while also filling up every space on this earth.

God's love is not conditional. God is not like a pet that if I stroke behind his ears then He will manifest more love towards me. He is always in my space. It is up to me to just open up, turn and be with Him. When I open up I get more, so the extent to which I experience God is up to me. I do not have to chase after God - He is here - I just have to keep myself open - He is right here. It is like dating-are you focused on the one you love or are you distracted by your surroundings, circumstances? Do you choose to look into His face or are you like the dogs from the movie, "Up,"---if someone hollers "squirrel!" are you automatically distracted. God has not gone anywhere--I have looked away, been distracted, looked into the darkness instead of the light.

In the past in my marriage, when I had exciting news, I wanted to immediately tell Andy. When I was stressed, I wanted to be with him, ask him for his advice and hear his reassurance. He was there beside me as my soulmate. Now Andy is gone--people are not always here when we want them--God is. He will never leave. He is not somewhere up above me in the sky. He is not somewhere on a distant throne. Experiencing Him does not exclusively require closing my eyes to search and labor to see Him. He is right here with me, beside me, all the time.

"rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks." 1 Thess. 5:16-18

Sometimes for me, the quandary comes in how to stay snuggled up close to God while not wanting to be secluded with just Him--shooing away His other children. Balance is hard. When I first started reading the writings of Thomas Merton and others such as the desert monks, I found I could relate to the delight and pleasure of the uninterrupted life of intimacy with God. Now I have two precious boys, that mean the world to me, so I have to learn to be present with and for them in this world while being surrounded, enveloped, and snuggled up to God. I know what my life purpose is but I ask Him daily to help me rejoice always, pray without ceasing and live my life as worship. It really is like both Martha & Mary---Lord how can I have qualities of both sisters simultaneously?