Twenty years (ten years since the last)

It is an odd feeling to think that today would have been our 20th wedding anniversary.

We made it to ten years and I am so thankful that Andy insisted we celebrate our 10th anniversary with time alone -a trip for just the two of us.  (I am thankful he blogged about our trip and our tenth.) We celebrated it in the most "extravagant" way we could afford. We went to Atlantic Beach for a weekend. I value the memories of that time together. It really does not matter how a couple celebrates, as long as they treasure each other and being together.

I remember a few months after Andy died, a couple with whom we were friends, found out the husband had to transfer to Georgia for his job. She stayed here with their children so that they could finish out the school year. She did not want to move several states away and she voiced the possibility of her staying in Virginia and visiting him a few times a month. I told her, I would rather live in a cardboard box and be with my husband than have anything else.

I was reminded Sunday of the preciousness of time and memories as one of the sweet kids in my church class, handed me a book to read. It was a book I had not encountered before, Let Me Hold You a Longer, by Karen Kingsbury. (Warning, do not read it without tissues.) It is a reminder that you never quite know which memory might be a last. Treasure and savour each one as if it might be a last.

dinner:
Chick-fil-a

currently listening to:
news

currently reading: 
booked
revelation
decluttering at the speed of life


today grateful for:  
my boys 
ten years of memories
andy's writings 
faith
God's peace 
His word 
God's plan

a time to laugh

over the past few days, i have had several occasions to laugh and laugh. 

earlier this week, my youngest had a bout of the stomach virus.  he is not sick often, so he has not had much practice being a good patient.  he complained about being hungry and was not happy when i said he could only have crushed ice, small amounts of liquid at a time and popsicles.  he insisted upon eating a few swallows of applesauce.  it did not stay down long.   at midday, when he was no longer vomiting, he leaned back on the sofa and said aloud, "this is the life...sitting on the couch watching tv."  i reminded him of his stomach upset from an hour earlier to which he responded, "oh yeah, except for that."

the next day we all returned to our regular routines.  when my oldest arrived home, he did not feel well, so he took his temp.  he informed me that his temp was 110 degrees the first time and the second time he took it, it registered 99 degrees.  i had to bite my tongue not to laugh in his face.  i told him that if his temp had been 110, he would probably be dead.   i took his temp several times and the highest reading was normal or a a few tenths above.   i chuckled about this again as i read a friend's facebook post about her teenage son's "man cold."

my oldest told me of an issue he had at school.  a few students were harassing him in math class by saying if someone touched something my son had touched they would have "germs" and they would need to make sure to use hand sanitizer. my son stated to the main instigator, "you know hand sanitizer only kills 99.99% of germs and i am in that .01% that is not covered. may i borrow you pencil? (touching the pencil before the instigator could answer)   ohhhhhhh, my oldest is so like his dad.....quick witted and snarky!

today at church, my youngest created a book of kindness coupons for me.  as he handed me this gift, he advised me to, "use them wisely."  of course, that alone made me laugh out loud.   as  i read through his coupons, i laughed.  he had included 2 coupons for a nap, 2 for a hug, 1 for hot cocoa, 1 for breakfast, and 2 for dancing.   he added, "i know how much you like dancing and naps."

a time to weep,
    and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn,
    and a time to dance...

my dancing is more of a joke and a threat of sorts. several years ago, the boys and i were playing music and dancing/ gyrating/ flailing  around the living room which caused us to begin laughing hysterically.  my oldest son's demeanor quickly changed and he began yelling for me to stop dancing!   i was having a giggling fit and i struggled to form words in response.  after several attempts to get me to stop, he came over and whispered  in my ear, "mom don't you know you are a terrible dancer?!"  i replied, "yes, i work very hard at it and i am practicing so that when you are in high school i can chaperone your prom."   he did NOT think that was funny.   nowadays when we are out in public and the boys are giving me a hard time, i threaten to begin dancing in public.  i have done it once or twice to their horror.

for me, dancing has another fond memory.  andy was a worship team member and leader.  i still miss hearing his beautiful voice.  one of my favorite songs that he sang was, "i could sing of your love forever."  each member of our worship team would sing each of the verses.  andy sang the following verse:

Oh I feel like dancing
It's foolishness I know
But when the world has seen the light
They will dance with joy
Like they're dancing now

on one wednesday night, as andy was leading worship...singing and playing the keyboard, he shouted between the verses, "dance church, dance!"  he was encouraging the congregation to fully embrace praise and worship.  i teased him about his "outburst" later....i also told him how much i loved him, his love for God, his love for leading worship and his heart to listen to God's prompting.

fond memories....from the past and the ones we make each day.

dinner:
pulled pork, caesar salad and  homemade bread

currently reading:
the last girls

john 12

today grateful for:
sunday

church

sunshine and a day of warm outside temps

good health for my family

music

God's peace

thankful, day 10

I am thankful for music, specifically praise and worship. This morning as the music started at church,
I was having a difficult time transitioning into worshipping as I had Andy on my mind. I was headed down a sad mental road and the worship team began singing, Be Thou My Vision. God comforted me with this song...as to say, I know you are sad and I am here with you. This was a song Andy lead and sang as a worship leader. We sang it at Andy's memorial service.  In the final verse, I heard God speaking to me---and I was enveloped in the worship!

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

I am thankful for our worship leader and team. I know they pray over what they share on Sunday mornings. To them I say, "Thank you for your faithfulness and focus. And thanks for seeking out the Holy Spirit and listening."


lunch:
BK with friends :)

currently listening to:
fall breeze

currently reading:
1 corinthians 13
time's unending garden
roll of thunder, hear my cry 
kizzy ann stamps 

 

today grateful for: 
our church

praise and worship leaders, singers, and musicians

friends

God's timing

sundays

another finish line

Four years ago, Andy blogged about the presidential election....referring to it as the finish line. It is weird to think of four years ago. To read his blogs, takes me back to "before."

Things such as elections, laundry, yard work, job stress, taxes, paperwork are cyclical and annoying. Why do we let them get so BIG in our lives? I miss annoying moments...any moments...the good, the bad and the ugly with him. Okay time to go to bed....late nights get to me.

Tonight I finally watched the movie, The Avengers. I attempted to see it in the theater but the timing was never right and didn't rent it because I have not had much time to stay up late, really late. I would have loved to watch it with Andy. He taught me much of what I know of comic book characters. He taught me about the Stan Lee cameos. Most of all he taught me perspective....when everything is boiled down...what really matters.

dinner:
mexican -out

currently listening to:
snoring dog

currently reading: 
unglued
colossians
a wrinkle in time 

today grateful for: 
a day off tomorrow
God's peace
my boys
coworkers
provision 
good health 
a nation at peace
heat in the house

everyday should feel like christmas morning

This morning...
...as look out my dining room window to see the mountains through the bare winter branches
...as I see the smoke rising from the chimney of a nearby house
...as I sip my coffee and enjoy the delicious smells of the baked french toast
...as I think about how my boys were more excited to watch each other open the gifts they chose
...as I listen to my sons playing happily together
...as I think of how thankful I am to wake up in a warm house with food and water and no imminent danger
...as I think of how I owe all my joy and fullness to my Saviour who fills me with hope
...as I think about how Christmas morning was the day of the year Andy woke up early with childlike excitement (The rest of the year, because he was a night owl, he slept in usually til 9 or 10.)
...as I imagine what this day is like in heaven ...
I wonder why this day is different than any other.

On this day, it seems easier to be filled with joy, to have compassion for our fellow man, and to enjoy the simple moments of life. Shouldn't everyday start this way?

Andy started a practice when we were first dating. He said celebrating love only on February 14th was not enough. Therefore, he declared the 14th of every month to be his day for me, "Lyn's Day."

The 25th of 2 months are special to me...our celebration of Christ's birth is on the 25th of December and Andy's birthday is on the 25th of his month. I am going to challenge myself to engage in something special to honor Christ on the 25th of every month for 2012. I know I should wake up excited EVERY morning. However, for my poor mortal mind, I want to make go to bed excited on the 24th for what the day will bring on the 25th. We shall see.

currently listening to:
boys playing and

Hallelujah chorus from Handel's Messiah "A Soulful Celebration"

breakfast:
baked french toast

currently reading:
the silver chair
silent seduction self-talk
god doesn't blink
Isaiah

today grateful for:
Jesus
my boys
God
the heart's capacity for hope, excitement, and joy

Season's end...

The baseball season has come to its scheduled end. Although my fav team, the Red Sox, was not in the world series (and they by no means came close to earning it this year), I watched the series and cheered on the Cardinals. I would rank Game 6 as the best game I've seen. We root for the cardinals because, Busch Stadium was the first MLB stadium to which I took the boys.

I have always enjoyed baseball games in person-live as opposed to TV broadcast. Before Andy died--Andy, the boys and I never made it to see our local minor league team because we did not make time. Between my end of school and beginning of school responsibilities in May & August and his heavy work schedule in mid and late summer, we never made it.


In 2001, there was a MasterCard commercial about 2 guys touring the country visiting every MLB stadium. We discussed doing that with our soon-to-be first born, but we never could mange to afford to do it. Since the summer of 2009, the boys and I have been to Busch Stadium, Turner Field, and Camden Yards.

Andy was a sports fan---baseball, football, hockey. It amazed me how he he had so many stats in his head. He could answer wild, obscure trivia questions. One of his connections to baseball was that his dad grew up with Jim "Catfish" Hunter. I enjoy the family stories involving Catfish. I saw Hunter's headstone when we were in NC for Andy's grandmother's funeral.

I grew up in a sports fan family as well. My mom is purely a spectator. My dad was the athlete. Among other things, he was a Golden Gloves champion. My maternal grandfather paid for seminary by playing semi-pro baseball in Richmond. I played softball for many years.

I am planning our stadium trip for next summer. My plan is for us to see the Nationals. I am optimistic that Strasburg will stay healthy. Hopefully, we'll do a mini DC tour as well. T has been wanting to see the Spymuseum.

currently listening to:
morning cartoons

dinner: (last night)
brunswick stew

currently reading:
the voyage of the dawn treader
the undistracted widow
moneyball
the apostolic ministry
1 Peter

today grateful for:
my boys
memories
baseball
a working automobile
God's provision

Still Here

Today I heard "Still Here", a song by Superchick from their new album, Reinvention-yeah!

I had a still here moment today. I missed my workout today because I misplaced my keys at work and spent 45 minutes searching for them. I found them with help from a friend but the down feeling lingered. I remembered how in the past I would have called Andy for help. As I was driving to pick up the boys, I started to spiral down emotionally. Missing Andy with his calm and his down to earth way of helping me see true priorities and thinking how I had lost my knight, I lost the one human on this earth that loved me, for me. But unlike other times where this darkness might have continued to spiral through the evening and into the night, I "put my foot down" so to speak. I declared I was not going there. I was not going to waste this moment in that dark place. Asked God for his help and went on in the light from there. Ah---still here! Taking one day at a time, each moment at a time.



Currently listening to:
the washing machine

Dinner:
Chicken marinated in a curry sauce, grilled pineapple, quinoa & edamame

Currently reading:
The Power of a Praying Life
The Barefoot Book
The Element

Today grateful for:
God
music

Not single

I read another widow's blog and some of the things she wrote about, mirror my own feelings and experiences.

I have a hard time with the boxes on information forms which ask you to select a status from choices such as married, single, etc. Widowed is rarely a choice. I hate checking single because I do not feel I am single. I do refer to my situation as being a single parent but I am not single. I have not taken off my wedding ring and in fact I wear his ring everyday on a necklace. I think taking them off at this point is too much of a final goodbye--one I do not want to say. [It is interesting to me how some folks who know me, have not noticed that I never wear other types of jewelry. Even my own mother has given me 2 necklaces (which still remain in gift boxes) since December 2, 2008.]

Just like Widow Chick writes in her blog, "Does death really part you", I was not one to cry at weddings. In fact, I am not one to cry in front of anyone. (I was told often as a child that I should only cry when I was physically harmed. I think I learned that lesson too well.) This past August, I attended my first wedding since Andy's death and it got to me. It hit a chord and I cried in public. Andy did not like attending weddings but he always went along when I asked him to go with me. He was a doll at our own wedding--he soothed me through all the planning stress and the other family stress of our wedding. He was incredibly empathic and thoughtful--more than I ever deserved.

Yesterday was Andy's birthday, the second since he died. He would have been 43 this year. Last year we celebrated by eating his favorite meal. This year we went camping with the cub scouts. We had a blast, including having the boys experience their first rainy camping trip. I asked T if he wanted to celebrate a day late and eat Andy's fav foods for dinner. T said no that we had celebrated his birthday by going camping. T seems less concerned about making a big deal of his dad's birthday than in the months immediately following Andy's death as I wrote of in a blog in January 2009.

Of course, M, our 4 year old, has a different point of view or remembrance. He speaks of his dad, but I often wonder what he really remembers. This weekend, every time someone made a reference to a mom and dad, such as "Your mom and dad wouldn't like it if you ..." M would say, "I only have a mom." That breaks my heart. T usually addresses such situations by saying his dad died. It is still very vivid for T as it is for me.

Next week is our wedding anniversary-our 12th. I am not single.


Currently listening to:
my boys playing Wii Fit

Lunch:
leftovers & sandwiches

Currently reading:
The Power of a Praying Life
See You in a Hundred Years
Skillful Teacher (homework)

Today grateful for:
time with my boys
Cub Scouts
a warm house
dry clothes
a washing machine & dryer
camping
fall
God