In a crisis

My boys and I have experienced a crisis this "year." A crisis we did not expect or plan for and one we did not want. We wish we could turn back the clock or change the course of events. As I held Andy's hand for the last time in the hospital after he had left this earth, my pastor stood with me and prayed for resurrection-but alas, it was not to be.

It has been heart wrenching each day. I want my boys to have happy, carefree lives that include being loved, tickled, taught, tucked in, and comforted by their dad, but that is not to be. I want to hug my beloved...to hear his beautiful voice... to see him walk up the stairs... to look into his eyes and know he is pondering life's mysteries or adoring his children...to sit next to him and discuss deep topics or laugh uncontrollably ...to run my fingers over his close-shaven head...I want to share the mundane and the miraculous on this earth with my sweet, beloved every day for the next fifty years, but that is not to be.

In facing this crisis, I have three choices.

1. to do nothing -a perception of freezing in time
2. to try to escape, seek diversions or distractions
3. to lean towards God

These are the same choices we face daily- crisis or not. If I choose the first or second options, in reality, I am choosing to distance myself from God. The choices are either black or white. There is no grey zone. I am either reaching out for God or I am not.

Andy believed that if we go about our daily lives with prayer and supplication and the love of Jesus ever present then we are worshipping God through our actions. Laughing with friends, lending a hand, enjoying your spouse, taking out the garbage, feeding the dog, scolding your child --can all be acts of reverance--seeking and loving God.

As long as I am on this earth and in this body, I am separated from God--if nothing else by the tiniest gap. I cannot have the ultimate and complete fellowship with God until I meet Him face to face. The fall of man, our original sin, gave us this chasm of the flesh. God never left us. He has never forsaken us. He never moved. He remains the same today as He was thousands of years ago. The same God and Lord who spoke with Adam, made a promise to Abraham, protected Rahab, forgave Mary and whose shekinah glory changed the face of Moses, now comforts me.

If I do not choose to move in His direction ...to seek Him, then the gap will never decrease. In these last fifty or so days since Andy's passing, I have had moments where I felt I immoblized and powerless, when praying or even thinking was painful. In these times, I only have been able to whisper His name - Jesus ...and that is moving towards Him. Thank you Lord for who you are-for being my refuge. May I see you and revere you in everything today.

Tim's wish and question -- our sadness

Tim has been struggling this week as have his brother and I. The nights are especially hard for Tim and I. Since Sunday night, Tim has had difficulty getting to bed. Tonight as he sought reassurance from me, he stated, "I wish this was all a dream." This is exactly the thought I have had for the past five weeks. We do not want this to be our reality- life without Andy. Continuing on our path of parallel experiences, we have both found pain in seeing relationships that mirrored ours with Andy. I have wanted to avoid all love stories whether fictional or real. After his scout meeting this week, Tim stated that it makes him sad to see other Dads having fun with their sons.

This past weekend, Tim asked me if we could still celebrate Daddy's birthday. He wants to decorate Daddy's computer with notes and pictures. All through the weekend, he made sweet notes and pictures for me because he said he wanted to make me happier.

The rainy weather and dismal days have only seemed to intensify the sadness. The tears come easily in the rain, while driving, as well as at unexpected times. Yesterday as I struggled to get Mack into a stroller and then try to return a rental carpet steam vacuum, I started to cry when a kind woman in the parking lot offered to push the vacuum in for me.