the pain of our lives

today i came across a fascinating video which illustrates and explains the flow of the book of psalms. i have learned an abundance of things from the psalms. God showed me his grace, mercy, forgiveness and comfort in psalm 34.

after andy's death, when i was afraid my faith would be shaken if i asked "why," psalms showed me how david pressed into the Lord with questions of "why?"  as this video states, the psalms illustrate how "not to ignore pain in our lives" and how faith is forward looking.  as i once heard, "do not waste your trials."  everything is an opportunity.

faith gives us hope and hope looks forward.


dinner:
sauteed chicken and apple 
homebaked bread
sweet potatoes

currently reading:
isaiah 1
don't waste your life by john piper
the mysterious benedict society

grateful for:
happy boys
good health
an unencumbered schedule for a saturday
cooler temps
electricity
clean water
safety
the United States
God's wisdom and patience
His word

amazing

the past several weeks have been amazing.. my god has held me in his tender hand and brought me to my knees with His amazing miracles.  my words are meager to express the goodness of God.

i would not trade a minute of my last week. God's faithfulness to prepare me for every step is awesome. i struggle to put into words how amazing He is. years ago He gave me a desire for His mission. i am blessed to be in my mission field as my career. i have not always been thankful though. i have had days, weeks, and months where i have wondered why the hardship.

months ago He gave me an increased desire for His missions. when the opportunity presented itself for me to take a short term mission trip to mexico, i jumped. i did not ask why or how, i just knew it was to be. i am thankful for my family and friends whose help has provided me the opportunity to follow this desire.

five days ago at work while i was pursuing a student who i thought was fleeing out of the building, and i heard a pop and i fell face first onto the floor. an ambulance took me from school to the emergency room. i am thankful for this mishap and the opportunities to connect to others and taste the goodness of my Lord.

 i am thankful for--
--my God who is not surprised by circumstances,
--my school nurse who tended to me and kept me from passing out and then came to the emergency room and prayed for me
--the dear ambulance workers/EMTs
--my custodian who was at the emergency room when i arrived and stayed with me and prayed for me
--the teacher who stayed with me in the ER, prayed for me, drove me home, got my prescriptions filled, brought my car to my house,
--the friend who i knew i could call to pick up my children and care for them like her own,
--my coworkers who stepped in without hesitation to help
---my parent volunteers who were my shining stars
--my coworkers who are bold in stopping to hold my hand and pray
--God's faithfulness and provision
--for God's reminder to abandon my cynicism and recognize my enemy is Satan not those Satan uses and those Satan prompts me to hate
--opportunities to stop and see the hand of God
--my best friend who encourages me and shares my love for our Saviour,
--my life group
--my friends and family whose prayers covered me before anyone knew of my accident,


God deserves all the glory. we walk daily in the VICTORY He prepared, planned and gave us. this week i was reminded that ALL people are made in His image. satan is the enemy not people.

dinner:
pizza

currently reading:
let hope in by pete wilson

fervent by priscilla shirer

gideon by priscilla shirer

being the body by chuch colson

the mysterious benedict society by trenton lee stewart

today grateful for:

God's faithfulness

my boys

laughter and silliness

healing

the WORD

my coworkers

my friends

my church

clean water and electricity

freedom to worship

bold Christians

prayer

guidance

it was a tough weekend as our dear kitty passed away.  she was at least 16 years old and had cancer.  she had slowed down and had lost a great deal of weight and strength since the fall of 2014.  she was the sweetest cat--never hissed or clawed or scratched--in fact she was a bit of a "scaredy cat."  

i was dreading her death because i was worried about how the boys would take it.  my oldest has had the most intense reaction to her failing health.  there have a been a few weekends when we thought she was close to death.  on this past thursday, when she stopped eating and drinking i knew the end was near.  i am thankful for God's timing as this past week was spring break for my oldest.  so when the kitty began have small seizures on thursday night, my son spent the night on the floor next to her comforting her throughout the night.  i was glad he did not have school on friday as it was an emotional drain on him.  our kitty passed away just a bit after 8 pm on friday night.  my son was beside her, but he was not looking at her directly.  he wanted to hold himself guilty in that he thought if he had been looking at her and touching her, she would have lived longer.   

i know these type of guilty thoughts when one you love dies.  i had the same thoughts many times regarding my husband's death.  rethinking things i thought i should have and could have done to change the outcome.  hard thoughts.

this was another one of those times when i wish i was not the only adult in the house.  i would have relied on my husband.  when my first cat died in 1998 a few weeks before we were married, i could not handle even telling the vet that my decision was to have her euthanized.  andy took care of that.  

but this time, it was up to me.  i had to bag her body up and dig the hole.  it was hard and i prayed along every step of the process because i was at a loss for what to say and do.  

so many times since andy's death, people have remarked, "you are so strong."  it is a lie.  i have no strength in myself.  i am so thankful---i can call on God--the source of all my strength.

i am often surprised that i do not call on God as quickly and frequently as i should.  i would have thought i would be at a higher level of spiritual maturity at this point in life.  in my hindsight many times, i wonder why it has taken me hours and sometimes days before i turn to God for strength or answers.  

sadness, stress, decisions, conflicts and struggles can hit me hard.  i have recognized since andy's death that i battle with depression. as i look back i have battled it since i was young.  it just occurred to me this weekend, that this may have a deeper cause---and i should seek God's guidance in dealing with it---to ask HIm to show me, teach me.  He has probably showed me this solution before....but it has taken me a while to hear and listen and obey.

dinner:
leftovers

currently reading:
2 blogs with lenten devotionals:         www.shereadstruth.com and www.aholyexperience.com

john14-16

the secret thoughts of an unlikely convert

24/6

today grateful for:
life group

sunshine

God's truth

God's faithfulness

God's timing

God's provision

the WORD

the sabbath

a working automobile

sweet times with my boys

my oldest son's tender heart

snow days

i am thankful for a week of snow days, not for my usual reasons–

-a chance to sleep in, 

-a chance to do housework, 

-a chance to play in the snow with my boys, 

-a chance to read, 

-a chance to cook, or such---

---but because for most of the time i have chosen to stay home and think.   to meditate upon purpose and the Word in the holy days which begin the season of Lent… the 40 days leading up to Easter.  

i began reading and will continue to read two blogs which are focusing upon Lenten thoughts--- www.shereadstruth.com and www.aholyexperience.com .   these two writers have a gift for words which inspire me to seek more of God and His Word.

i want to accomplish a few things in the next 40 days---

---aiming my children’s thoughts daily upon God’s heart and His will 

---narrowing my focus and refocusing upon God, His heart and His love 

---eliminating things that take my focus away from God

tonight before we did our nightly “thankfuls,” i asked the boys to close their eyes and meditate as well as pray for God to show them meaning regarding the scripture Jeremiah 24:7.   i am aware any day could be my last and every moment i am given is the opportunity to point them towards seeking and hearing from God.   there will be times in their lives in which they will have to make  solemn and deliberate choices.    it is my task to prepare them as God directs.

wachet auf !!!

awake, arise !!!

dinner:
spaghetti

currently reading:
2 blogs with lenten devotionals:         www.shereadstruth.com and www.aholyexperience.com

jeremiah

today grateful for:
snow days

my boys

good health

the WORD

electricity, technology, and access to inspiration writing

a warm home

thankful, day 21

I am thankful God led me to this city. The Christian, family centered resources are phenomenal. I am thankful for the resources of TRBC (inc LCA & LU.) While my guys are at wrestling practice, I get to hang out in this terrific space-"Main Street."  Reading, studying, working, accessing wifi and sipping my decaf.





 dinner:
mac n cheese

listening to:
snoring dog


currently reading:
overcoming dyslexia
praying the scriptures for your teenager

today grateful for:
my boys 
our wrestling coaches
my son's middle school-principal, teachers, staff
my son's friends
trbc
God's provision

losing faith

I have a charm bracelet that I purchased for myself. On it are 5 charms. Four have initials---mine, my husband's and one for each of my sons. The fifth matches the others in style but has the word, "faith."

Tonight as my boys and I were saying our daily thankfuls, I looked down and realized my "faith" charm was gone. I had lost faith. I was struck with the humor of it.

Losing your faith is a choice not an accident. I have had many opportunities to "lose my faith." I have heard others, who have suffered hardships or losses, speak of losing their faith or being mad at God. I cannot control my circumstances but I can control my choices...my reactions to these. When my husband died, I sought God. But as I heard it stated today, I cannot live off "day old" manna. In other words, each day I must renew my mind, wake up and choose to seek that relationship with God. I know no matter what happens, God never leaves me, never goes a distance from me, never chooses to separate from me.

I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I will do, and I will not forsake them. Isaiah 42:16

For the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:5 

God has said,“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. Hebrews 13:4

Being close to God is a choice....taking refuge in Him, falling weak into his presence.

For me, the first step is the hardest to take. I cannot count the number of times I have taken a first step. Why is it hard? Because it is a battle that begins with the first step. Darkness loses when I take the first step.

Watching a spiritually uplifting video,
                             singing a song,
                                           listening to a recording of God's word,
                                                        reading anything from the Bible....

1 step



Be encouraged ... take a step.

video links:

a testimony of faith   https://www.dropbox.com/sh/yqpmrrjb8pr90r9/AQ77ummvF?lst#lh:null-Robin%20Foutz_WideAwake.mov

facing a trial   http://vimeo.com/66564850

dinner:
at our fav local dive

currently listening to:
night insects
a snoring dog

currently reading:
being george washington
the river
isaiah

today grateful for: 
faith
life and living it
God's peace
His word
my boys
hugs from my boys
a job
good health
testimonies of God's promises, miracles, and faithfulness

my one word

my one word, after much prayer and thought... 


in frozen earth, she will bloom.

in compost, she will bloom.

after forest fires, she will bloom.

following floods, she will bloom.

after harsh winters, she will bloom.

in parched sand, she will bloom.

choked by weeds, she will bloom.

overshadowed by haughty trees, she will bloom.

nourished by the Word, she will bloom.

cultivated by God, her children will bloom.

in the midst of His love, she will bloom.

consumed by His peace, she will bloom.

secure in God’s plan, she will bloom.

in the shadow of His wings, she will bloom.

in the presence of His victory, she will bloom.

to His glory, she will bloom.

the desert and the parched land will be glad;
    the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;
    it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.  isaiah 35:1-2

thank you, Jill and Sunshine for your inspiration which points to God


dinner:
sandwiches

currently listening to:
a snoring dog and a dripping faucet

currently reading:
my one word
a wind in the door
praying God's word

today grateful for: 
God' presence and provision
His word
answers to my prayers
friends
my boys 
my church
my oldest son's musical gifts
a job
my youngest son's contagious laughter
good health

the more I learn, the more I don't know

In my studies of late, I read the following passage from Isaiah 45:7

I form the light and create darkness,
I make peace and create calamity;
I, the LORD, do all these things. (NKJV)

Calamity, what?!?! Did I read that correctly? Let me read it again. I am going to look that up in other translations.

I form the light and create darkness,
I bring prosperity and create disaster;
I, the LORD, do all these things. (NIV)

I form the light and create darkness, I make peace [national well-being] and I create [physical] evil (calamity); I am the Lord, Who does all these things.(AMPLIFIED)

I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things. (KJV)

I form light and create darkness,
I make harmonies and create discords.
I, God, do all these things. (THE MESSAGE)

Okay, I am not sure reading other translations helps. Do I pursue this further or just let it slip from my mind. I let the "whys" slip from my mind after Andy died. I cannot ask God, "Why?" Maybe I don't want to hear the answer. After Andy died, there was one thing I have been sure of and have used as my total support at times--God is always with me. I am afraid if I ask why, my faith might waiver and then where would I be. This is just the sort of discussion I would have with Andy.

currently listening to:
boys playing

dinner: (last night)
mexican (out)

currently reading:
the silver chair
god doesn't blink
Isaiah

today grateful for:
my boys
God

a sure thing

For the past 2+ years I have struggled each time I read the beginning of 1 Timothy 5, as to me it indicates that young widows, those under sixty, are a troublesome lot. When I read this passage, a negative, carnal, victim feeling seems to well up in my throat. It is hard to explain, but I know it is not of God. I do feel there are acquaintances, who since my husband's death, have distanced themselves from us or only speak to me about superficial things.. Before his death, I would have called them friends.

My faith is stronger now than it was prior to this tribulation. I knew prior that I could not rely on any person on this earth.

"Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save." Psalm 146:3

This has been a hard lesson for me to learn.

When I was in my twenties, I had returned to church and was involved in the choir, leading youth group, and ministry board. One December, I was en route to the choir's Christmas dinner when I was involved in a bad accident. No one from my church inquired why I had not shown up at the dinner. No one seemed to miss me. That hurt.

I knew mentally when I got married that if I relied upon my husband to meet all my needs, I would be disappointed, as we humans will always disappoint. We fall short....we are not perfect. I am doing a disservice to others, myself and God when I expect another person to meet those needs for me. I had to "stumble and get back up again" many times for this lesson. I still do....or the passage in 1 Timothy would not bother me.

I have learned a very important lesson in my forties, God promises me he will never leave me. That is my prosperity, my comfort, and my joy.

"Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the LORD their God." Psalm 146:5

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8

"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

When all else is gone, He is enough.

Today I started thinking of all this again when I read the following this morning in a devotion from Morningstar Ministries.

"As the Apostle Paul affirmed in Acts 14:22, "...Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God." We go through trials, which are all meant to strengthen our faith and character, so we can be trusted with the authority and treasures of the age to come. This is why Paul wrote in Romans 5:3-5:

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations,

knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;

and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;

and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out

within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Here we see a progression towards proven character and the hope that does not disappoint, but it begins with tribulation. In this world we will have trials and tribulations, but they are allowed so we can experience the power and authority of resurrection life. Every cross we have to bear will lead to a greater glory. We must go through a wilderness to get to our Promised Land. The wilderness is designed to work in us that which will enable us to possess the promises of God, and to be trusted with the power and authority He has called us to walk in, which demonstrates His authority, power, and dominion.

The purpose of our Promised Land is not just to allow us to have the good life, but rather to demonstrate the nature of the Lord's kingdom and ways to a fallen world. The greatest demonstration of the Lord's kingdom was the Lord's own life. He had dominion over the earth, and over the works of the devil. He says in John 17:18, "As Thou didst send Me into the world, I also have sent them into the world."

Jesus demonstrated the power of a life in harmony with the Father. We are called to demonstrate the power of a life that is likewise in unity with Him by abiding in the Son."

That is a victory. I am victorious not a victim.

grace & peace...

how can you tell if it is a battle or a blockade?

Today a group from our church was heading out for a mission trip to Mexico. Had it not been for several difficulties and occurrences they would be flying out of the country at this hour. However, all are currently back in their own beds tonight. Tomorrow they will head to the airport before the crack of dawn for a second attempt. There were even several difficulties prior to this weekend as they began to prepare for the trip.

After getting a call from my best friend, who is one of the chaperones for this trip, I began to wonder how we discern whether we are running up against resistance from satan or from God. Facing decisions before, I have heard Christians pray for God to make the way clear, to give them peace, etc. So in a case such as this one, is God making His resistance clear or are we to persevere through what appears to be hardships? Sometimes it is not until after we get through one of these situations that we have the hindsight of our decisions. I know there have been several cases where I had the tiniest check about a decision, event or action, but I was more aware of the meaning of that check after the fact. Several times I have acted upon that check and all has appeared to go smoothly and I have not heard "a loud voice from heaven" confirming that I acted correctly. Sometimes, I wonder if I missed a check during Andy's last days. ...so many unanswered questions.

currently listening to:
silence

dinner:
salad
grilled shrimp caprese

currently reading:
all over but the shoutin
the reading promise
the magician's nephew
1thessalonians, ephesians

today grateful for:
my boys
the Bible
my mother-in-law
provision
working automobiles
friends
summer rain
VBS

security

Over the past few weeks, I have been battling my insecurities and fears. I have been mentally and emotionally bombarded by the news of all that has happened (death and destruction from weather, terrorists) coupled with the sermon by Alan Keyes which I heard on Palm Sunday and my tornado scare in NC. A day or so after our Palm Sunday weekend trip, I read the following from Jeremiah 45:4-5:

“Thus you shall say to him, ‘Thus says the LORD: “Behold, what I have built I will break down, and what I have planted I will pluck up, that is, this whole land. And do you seek great things for yourself? Do not seek them; for behold, I will bring adversity on all flesh,” says the LORD. “But I will give your life to you as a prize in all places, wherever you go.”’”

My mind has a tendency to run wild with imagination and fear if I let it. I hate that I let myself go there mentally so often. This week I have been getting documents in order in case something happens to me--in case I die. I am not particularly proud of my "fear focus" as I know this is not what God wants for me and for me to do with precious daily time.

Then over the past 24 hours I read an article by one missionary friend and watched a video about another friend's missionary trip. Both of which had accounts of staying focused on God-one was waiting on a doctor's report and one upon hearing of the death of her husband. (Thanks gals for your faithfulness to share.)

This morning I read the following account from Voice of the Martyrs' "Extreme Devotion" which has helped to cement in my mind a vivid image of focusing on God.

“I purified my heart of the fear of men, and I learned to see God.” Me Ling was young when she was arrested for her Christian activities in Communist China. During times of interrogation, the police would torture her to try to force her to betray friends in the underground church.
At first Me Ling was extremely fearful, and she could not see the purpose that God had for her in that terrible place. But then she remembered the teachings of her pastor who had said, “Real suffering lasts only a minute, and then we spend eternity with our awesome Savior.”
When asked how she was able to keep from going crazy during those terrible times, she replied, “When I closed my eyes, I could not see the angry faces of the men or the instruments of pain they were using. I kept repeating the promise of Christ to myself: ‘Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God’ (Matthew 5:8). I also found that when I purified my heart of the fear of men, I learned to really see God. I took courage from all the others who had gone before me and focused on him until everything else faded away. When the officials learned of my defense, they taped my eyelids open. But it was too late because my vision was secure.”

Father, forgive me for my fickleness. Thank you for your strong, yet gentle reminders.

wax: in the heat of the moment

yesterday i tried something new at home-waxing. usually i have this done at the salon where i have my hair done and it is costly. in the past 15 years, i have felt more like the mom in my big, fat greek wedding-i have to tweeze regularly and often. okay, so i am vain in that i don't want to resemble some of the elderly women with gray, scraggly "goatees" i saw growing up. ----but wait waxing facial hair reflects our spiritual journey. okay, prior to this i had never thought of the hairiness of pre-menopausal women as a spiritual analogy. go figure.

this morning during my quiet time i read the following:
"When we lose sight of God, we become hard and dogmatic."-oswald chambers

the wax i am using comes in a microwaveable cup. you heat it up to make it usable. when it completely cools it is stiff and immovable. so i had a picture of the heat and light of the microwave keeping the wax at its ideal state of pliability for use. the minute you remove it from the microwave it begins to cool. i am like that wax-i am most pliable and usable when i am directly in god's light. the minute i go out i begin to "cool." wax by itself cannot maintain heat. the heat for pliability comes from the source of heat.

philippians 2

⁵ Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus... ⁸...... He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. ⁹ Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, ¹⁰ that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, ¹¹ and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. .... ¹³ for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure

Reflection during Lent

For the 2 years and a little over 3 months since Andy died, I have mourned losing my beloved and my best friend. I have struggled with self-pity and a mourning of sorts, the loss of my identity. I did not know who I was. Prior to December 2008, I was a wife, mother, runner, teacher, Christian, daughter, scrapbooker, friend, seamstress, and housekeeper. I am no longer this person. I go from work to home to chore to refereeing and then falling into bed when I am not kept awake by thoughts and depression.

In the time since December 2008, I watch very little TV. I usually do not go out except with my boys. I no longer sew or scrapbook. I no longer run really. In the eternal scheme of things, all of those activities do not really matter. I am tired of my self-imposed sadness. For the season of lent, when I reflect upon how my own indulgences distract me from obeying God, I have decided to surrender myself.

The important things, in this life I have been given, are serving God and being the best mother to raise confident, born again, spirit-filled, healthy boys. In these 40 days before Easter,I have set my daily/hourly goal for everything I do to be focused on these 2 goals. As I found while pursuing last month’s love quest, I am easily distracted by life’s trials, the mundane and otherwise.

After reflection, now I realize I am called to be a mother, teacher, Christian, and daughter. Joy is in these roles. Daily I pray God will deliver me of my self—the portion of me that rules in selfishness, the portion of me that mourns losses, the portion of me that takes the rest of me into the depths of darkness. My biggest fault has been letting anyone/anything/any situation aside from God have any impact upon happiness and joy. After four decades, I have to learn how to take “my” out of the vocabulary.

Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save. Psalm 146:3

Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. Luke 9:23

Stop trusting in mere humans, who have but a breath in their nostrils. Why hold them in esteem? Isaiah 2:22

Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. Matthew 16:24

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant Philippians 2:3-7

This is what the LORD says: “Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the LORD. That person will be like a bush in the wastelands; they will not see prosperity when it comes. They will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. “But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:5-8

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. Galatians 2:22

But far be it from me to glory [in anything or anyone] except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah) through Whom the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world! Galatians 6:14

For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

The classroom of suffering

Below is an exert from the devotion I was reading this morning that I felt was worth repeating. The source is Voice of the Martyrs.

History, however, shows that people with the mere position of power are ineffective without the inner strength to carry out their duties. In contrast, God targets our inner strength through the presence of the Holy Spirit. Suffering is his classroom, where he teaches us what it is like to be strong. We are able to endure more than we imagined. We are bold beyond our means. You may feel as though your sufferings have made you weak. Ask God to show you how they can, in fact, make you stronger. Flex your muscles. You will see you are stronger than you think.

Suffering is something I struggle to face with inner strength. I do not always turn to God as quickly as I know I should. One of these days I will post some of the word studies from the Bible that I have done regarding suffering. Suffering is something all humans have experienced, however it really hit that raw home place for me when I became a widow. My "muscles" are "sore" but stronger in this classroom of suffering. What will I be doing in His name with this muscle strength? When this question came to mind, I immediately thought of my friend, Jill, who is going to Uganda in February to minister to other widows. To know what you have "trained" for gives you strength as well.

Presence

Since becoming a widow / single parent, my quiet time is truly a precious time. It is the one time in the day when I feel I sane, not overwhelmed by being a working mom, widow, and single parent...
-trying to remember the 50 million things that need to be done, packed or turned on/off before leaving the house in the morning
-scrambling to complete all the tasks that need to be done in the 2 hours between arriving home in the evening and before bedtime
-feeling guilty because I forgot to have the boys brush their teeth before bed
-wishing I did not wear makeup because of the valuable time it takes to put it on and then later take it off
-wishing I had a maid, a gardener/landscaper, a cook, my own hairstylist, a personal shopper and
-wishing no goodbyes have to be said to the ones I love.

My quiet time is the time I have to open up, worship, listen, and pour out-an intimate time. I always want that time to be longer. It is not that I cannot do these things during the day, it is just that I have such difficulty focusing while being surrounded by the mundane each day.

I have heard Christians say, "Lord, give me more of you," or "the Lord showed up today," or "Lord, don't hold back your love from me." Such statements make it sound like God comes and goes, that His love has conditions or that He varies in intensity or the percentage of His presence.

I believe God is always fully with us to the fullest extent that He is present on this earth. Because "the veil was torn," we no longer have to physically venture up a mountain to "get to God." He is always here. He is more than I can imagine, right beside me while also filling up every space on this earth.

God's love is not conditional. God is not like a pet that if I stroke behind his ears then He will manifest more love towards me. He is always in my space. It is up to me to just open up, turn and be with Him. When I open up I get more, so the extent to which I experience God is up to me. I do not have to chase after God - He is here - I just have to keep myself open - He is right here. It is like dating-are you focused on the one you love or are you distracted by your surroundings, circumstances? Do you choose to look into His face or are you like the dogs from the movie, "Up,"---if someone hollers "squirrel!" are you automatically distracted. God has not gone anywhere--I have looked away, been distracted, looked into the darkness instead of the light.

In the past in my marriage, when I had exciting news, I wanted to immediately tell Andy. When I was stressed, I wanted to be with him, ask him for his advice and hear his reassurance. He was there beside me as my soulmate. Now Andy is gone--people are not always here when we want them--God is. He will never leave. He is not somewhere up above me in the sky. He is not somewhere on a distant throne. Experiencing Him does not exclusively require closing my eyes to search and labor to see Him. He is right here with me, beside me, all the time.

"rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks." 1 Thess. 5:16-18

Sometimes for me, the quandary comes in how to stay snuggled up close to God while not wanting to be secluded with just Him--shooing away His other children. Balance is hard. When I first started reading the writings of Thomas Merton and others such as the desert monks, I found I could relate to the delight and pleasure of the uninterrupted life of intimacy with God. Now I have two precious boys, that mean the world to me, so I have to learn to be present with and for them in this world while being surrounded, enveloped, and snuggled up to God. I know what my life purpose is but I ask Him daily to help me rejoice always, pray without ceasing and live my life as worship. It really is like both Martha & Mary---Lord how can I have qualities of both sisters simultaneously?