Crushed in spirit

Writing for this blog tends to fall in the long list of things waiting for me to have free time in order to complete them. In this current stage of my life, free time is a scarce commodity. Today is Sunday and the final day of the university's and my son's school fall break. Since we had a four day weekend, I have had time to catch up on this month's long list of "to-dos." The past month has been difficult. On the Tuesday after Labor Day, my mother-in-law was killed in a car accident just a few miles from her home. 

Frankly, even though I have experienced the sucker punch of loss before, I tend to forget the toll grief takes on one's body. Because the wound is not external, sometimes we push through the days and neglect tending to the pain. We are inclined to overlook the healing process. I may suppose I am functioning at my best, but often that is not the case and I fail to recognize it.

Psalm 34 is one of my favorite books of the Bible. Not only does it contain my life verse but it contains so many verses that speak into the hard times in life, such as verse 18, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." 

My mother-in-law and I had countless conversations about faith in the face of death, loss, and grief. I remember talking to her within days after 9/11 when I was 7 months pregnant with our first child. I was mulling over the future of bringing a baby into a world with such turmoil. She walked by faith and had an anointing to listen and give wise, godly counsel. I do not recall her exact words but I remember she said that God's word was her comfort and guidance. Furthermore, she mentioned the song, "Because He Lives" by Bill Gaither. As she lived a life of worship and was a wonderful musician and songstress, this suggestion was an organic one. The song remains my go-to when circumstances are bewildering or overwhelming.

Parenting has challenges which are difficult to explain and hard to prepare for. This weekend in my time with my youngest, I experienced obstacles which thankfully led to small victories. I am thankful for answered prayers and for prayer warriors who faithfully lift my sons and I up in prayer.

My teenage son has been invited to join the National Honor Society. Given a choice, he would not take on any challenges. He fears pain and defeat. After a few tense hours of debate and struggle, we experienced the grace of God and my son completed the required essay for his NHS application. I had initiated the process by asking him questions about what brings him joy, in what occasions has he had experiences to demonstrate leadership, how have others been blessed by his actions, and what would his grandmother say she is proud of him for.

The hard bouts of parenting take me to the depths of discouragement. The nadir, in its shadows, invites me to give up. As I am tempted to acquiesce and allow the darkness to envelop me, it is not the end as it might appear. It is the bedrock and where I recognize God. When hope seems to be fading, when the sting of isolation brings despair, and darkness is moments from fully consuming me, that is where I find God. Not that He is waiting there for me, but that He has been with me all along. Just as He promises to be.

currently listening to:
silence

currently reading: 
1 Kings
The sea of monsters
coursework

today grateful for:  
my youngest son and his giftings
my oldest son  and his talents
my mother-in-law
my brother
extended family
God's faithfulness
His word 
paid time off
faithful prayer warriors
clean water
cool fall weather

birthday blessings

today was my birthday and my sons surprised and treated me to several surprises.  when i returned home this morning from my saturday farmers' market shopping trip, i opened the front door to a beautiful chorus of "happy birthday." 

the table was set for breakfast and with specially folded napkins, a beautifully wrapped gift, and a spread of handmade cards. (one featuring "bacon man!")

my oldest wrote the verse jeremiah 1:5 on the chalkboard.  this alone made my heart sing.    it is a gift beyond words.

what can i say?  my boys have their dad's gift of intuition and insight.  it was a morning of pure joy for me.  my youngest made a list so as not to forget any details.   my oldest prepared an incredible, homemade breakfast for us...


fruit salad with strawberries, wine berries and bananas, the most delicious cheese omelet i have ever tasted, 
and croissants.

we sat and ate and giggled.   joy!














my oldest thought ahead and while he was at boy scout camp in june, he made me a sign for my library complete with the school mascot.

today was one of the best days.  one i will treasure.

dinner:

gourmet pizza and cheesecake (dining out)

listening to:

third day

currently reading:
when helping hurts

1 timothy

today grateful for:

my boys

another year

andy

God's word

laughter and joy

send

 "as the Father sent Me, 

       I also send you." 

                   -john 20:21

today our worship service and a fellowship meal following were focused on a mission field that was over ten years in the making from our church.  i thoroughly enjoyed hearing the story of the history and prayers that were sowed into this mission field.

i know my purpose as a mother is to prepare my boys for their mission works...as disciples...as husbands...as fathers...as followers and believers.
most days i feel utterly inadequate for this task.

today, i felt pangs of my failure when my oldest went ahead of us to pick out seats for us at the fellowship luncheon.  with a choice of a dozen long tables with 30+ seats and a handful of small tables with 3-4 seats, he chose a segregated table for 3.  i felt i had failed him by my propensity towards introversion.

i have to fight the urge to become a hermit of sorts on a daily basis. but i know that in order to step out for God, i must be bold and seek out relationships.  i have to show and teach my boys this.  it means overcoming that desire for seclusion.  

part of the chronicle of the featured mission field at church is the song, "oceans," by hillsong. 

the highlighted words below from the song, mean a great deal to me.


And I will call upon Your name
 And keep my eyes above the waves
 When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

our pastor included matthew 16:18 in his teaching today.   

it is imperative and reassuring to remember the declaration of this verse, since it is horrifyingly apparent in this age, we are facing the "gates of hell" around the world.

the victory is WON! 

no matter what circumstances seem to show.... 

satan shall NOT, can NOT, will NOT prevail.

dinner:

leftovers (we have leftovers on the sabbath to minimize work)

currently reading:
2 blogs with lenten devotionals:         www.shereadstruth.com and www.aholyexperience.com

1 john 1

matthew 16

various psalms

the secret thoughts of an unlikely convert

24/6

today grateful for:

sunshine

worship

worship music and worship teams & choirs

God's truth

God's faithfulness

God's provision

the WORD

the sabbath

clean water

laughter

guidance

it was a tough weekend as our dear kitty passed away.  she was at least 16 years old and had cancer.  she had slowed down and had lost a great deal of weight and strength since the fall of 2014.  she was the sweetest cat--never hissed or clawed or scratched--in fact she was a bit of a "scaredy cat."  

i was dreading her death because i was worried about how the boys would take it.  my oldest has had the most intense reaction to her failing health.  there have a been a few weekends when we thought she was close to death.  on this past thursday, when she stopped eating and drinking i knew the end was near.  i am thankful for God's timing as this past week was spring break for my oldest.  so when the kitty began have small seizures on thursday night, my son spent the night on the floor next to her comforting her throughout the night.  i was glad he did not have school on friday as it was an emotional drain on him.  our kitty passed away just a bit after 8 pm on friday night.  my son was beside her, but he was not looking at her directly.  he wanted to hold himself guilty in that he thought if he had been looking at her and touching her, she would have lived longer.   

i know these type of guilty thoughts when one you love dies.  i had the same thoughts many times regarding my husband's death.  rethinking things i thought i should have and could have done to change the outcome.  hard thoughts.

this was another one of those times when i wish i was not the only adult in the house.  i would have relied on my husband.  when my first cat died in 1998 a few weeks before we were married, i could not handle even telling the vet that my decision was to have her euthanized.  andy took care of that.  

but this time, it was up to me.  i had to bag her body up and dig the hole.  it was hard and i prayed along every step of the process because i was at a loss for what to say and do.  

so many times since andy's death, people have remarked, "you are so strong."  it is a lie.  i have no strength in myself.  i am so thankful---i can call on God--the source of all my strength.

i am often surprised that i do not call on God as quickly and frequently as i should.  i would have thought i would be at a higher level of spiritual maturity at this point in life.  in my hindsight many times, i wonder why it has taken me hours and sometimes days before i turn to God for strength or answers.  

sadness, stress, decisions, conflicts and struggles can hit me hard.  i have recognized since andy's death that i battle with depression. as i look back i have battled it since i was young.  it just occurred to me this weekend, that this may have a deeper cause---and i should seek God's guidance in dealing with it---to ask HIm to show me, teach me.  He has probably showed me this solution before....but it has taken me a while to hear and listen and obey.

dinner:
leftovers

currently reading:
2 blogs with lenten devotionals:         www.shereadstruth.com and www.aholyexperience.com

john14-16

the secret thoughts of an unlikely convert

24/6

today grateful for:
life group

sunshine

God's truth

God's faithfulness

God's timing

God's provision

the WORD

the sabbath

a working automobile

sweet times with my boys

my oldest son's tender heart

to cease, desist, rest

today since it was still icy, too icy for me to venture out before 10 am, i informed the boys that we would observe the Sabbath at home.  when i asked them what the word, Sabbath, meant--- i was shocked that they did not know.   one answer was that it was one day a year where we did something special--i think he was thinking of passover.

so i read them exodus 20:8-11.   then i found a youtube video with an interview of a doctor who had become a christian 10 years before and was now the author of the book, 24/6.  


 שָׁבַת


the root of the word Sabbath (strong's h7676) is  שָׁבַת  shabath---which means to cease, desist, rest.   cease and desist reminds me of legal terms.   i do not believe we should be legalistic with regards to the Sabbath.  as i read in exodus 32:16, observing the Sabbath is part of our covenant with God.   dr. sleeth, the author of 24/6, states by observing the Sabbath all your life, you add 11 years of time spent with God.

the three of us spent time on this Sabbath viewing the video, 21 martyrs, worshiping at 11 am with a local church via their service broadcast live on the internet, having a family night, and having one quiet hour each devoted to a choice of prayer, reading, writing, creating as hopefully guided by His presence.   after the hour we came back together to share what we each did or what God gave us during that time.

from now on, on our Sabbath, we:

---will participate in corporate worship and fellowship,

---will limit electronics to just a few hours (maybe--hopefully working our way to no electronic distractions),

---will not do chores,

---will not do schoolwork, homework (aside from leisure reading), and

---will devote a minimum of one hour to reflection, mediation, reading, writing, creating with a focus upon God.



dinner:

roasted chicken

potatoes

arugula salad with roasted beets

currently reading:
2 blogs with lenten devotionals:         www.shereadstruth.com and www.aholyexperience.com

exodus 

my single mom life

today grateful for:
warmer temps to melt the ice

Sabbath

His provision  

multiple print translations of the Bible

the WORD

my boys' willingness and obedience

technology to connect us to our fellow Christians

snow days

i am thankful for a week of snow days, not for my usual reasons–

-a chance to sleep in, 

-a chance to do housework, 

-a chance to play in the snow with my boys, 

-a chance to read, 

-a chance to cook, or such---

---but because for most of the time i have chosen to stay home and think.   to meditate upon purpose and the Word in the holy days which begin the season of Lent… the 40 days leading up to Easter.  

i began reading and will continue to read two blogs which are focusing upon Lenten thoughts--- www.shereadstruth.com and www.aholyexperience.com .   these two writers have a gift for words which inspire me to seek more of God and His Word.

i want to accomplish a few things in the next 40 days---

---aiming my children’s thoughts daily upon God’s heart and His will 

---narrowing my focus and refocusing upon God, His heart and His love 

---eliminating things that take my focus away from God

tonight before we did our nightly “thankfuls,” i asked the boys to close their eyes and meditate as well as pray for God to show them meaning regarding the scripture Jeremiah 24:7.   i am aware any day could be my last and every moment i am given is the opportunity to point them towards seeking and hearing from God.   there will be times in their lives in which they will have to make  solemn and deliberate choices.    it is my task to prepare them as God directs.

wachet auf !!!

awake, arise !!!

dinner:
spaghetti

currently reading:
2 blogs with lenten devotionals:         www.shereadstruth.com and www.aholyexperience.com

jeremiah

today grateful for:
snow days

my boys

good health

the WORD

electricity, technology, and access to inspiration writing

a warm home

the power of words

this weekend i am thankful for "words" from those i love.

my oldest son competes with a teen Bible quizzing group.  i was tickled to get to see his team compete this saturday.  usually the competitions are several hours away and he travels with the team.  i have only been to one other --his first competition.   although his team came in 2nd place....the highlights of the day came for me when first, he said the opening prayer before one of the rounds.  hearing him pray boldly from the heart gave me goosebumps.  

i did not grow up hearing anyone besides the church minister pray aloud, except the times when my dad said our standard grace before a meal.  it took me years (in my 30's)  to overcome my self consciousness of praying aloud and pray with the focus on God.  i am thankful my boys have learned and embraced faith at a younger age.

the second highlight at the weekend's competition was hearing my son answer a question with a verse he had memorized:

 Then Paul answered, “Why are you weeping and breaking my heart? I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die in Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus.”

                                                                                     Acts 21:13

i pray that these verses are written on his heart and he will be equipped to draw upon these words when needed. The Word---The Living Word


today i received an email from my brother with a message, his own words that mean more to me than i can express.

i am thankful for words and the Word that bless me.

dinner:
tacos

currently reading:
the last girls

acts

today grateful for:
weekends

my boys

my brother

my brother's wife

good health for my family

words

the WORD

a working vehicle 

a warm home

clean water

laughter

snow days

a time to laugh

over the past few days, i have had several occasions to laugh and laugh. 

earlier this week, my youngest had a bout of the stomach virus.  he is not sick often, so he has not had much practice being a good patient.  he complained about being hungry and was not happy when i said he could only have crushed ice, small amounts of liquid at a time and popsicles.  he insisted upon eating a few swallows of applesauce.  it did not stay down long.   at midday, when he was no longer vomiting, he leaned back on the sofa and said aloud, "this is the life...sitting on the couch watching tv."  i reminded him of his stomach upset from an hour earlier to which he responded, "oh yeah, except for that."

the next day we all returned to our regular routines.  when my oldest arrived home, he did not feel well, so he took his temp.  he informed me that his temp was 110 degrees the first time and the second time he took it, it registered 99 degrees.  i had to bite my tongue not to laugh in his face.  i told him that if his temp had been 110, he would probably be dead.   i took his temp several times and the highest reading was normal or a a few tenths above.   i chuckled about this again as i read a friend's facebook post about her teenage son's "man cold."

my oldest told me of an issue he had at school.  a few students were harassing him in math class by saying if someone touched something my son had touched they would have "germs" and they would need to make sure to use hand sanitizer. my son stated to the main instigator, "you know hand sanitizer only kills 99.99% of germs and i am in that .01% that is not covered. may i borrow you pencil? (touching the pencil before the instigator could answer)   ohhhhhhh, my oldest is so like his dad.....quick witted and snarky!

today at church, my youngest created a book of kindness coupons for me.  as he handed me this gift, he advised me to, "use them wisely."  of course, that alone made me laugh out loud.   as  i read through his coupons, i laughed.  he had included 2 coupons for a nap, 2 for a hug, 1 for hot cocoa, 1 for breakfast, and 2 for dancing.   he added, "i know how much you like dancing and naps."

a time to weep,
    and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn,
    and a time to dance...

my dancing is more of a joke and a threat of sorts. several years ago, the boys and i were playing music and dancing/ gyrating/ flailing  around the living room which caused us to begin laughing hysterically.  my oldest son's demeanor quickly changed and he began yelling for me to stop dancing!   i was having a giggling fit and i struggled to form words in response.  after several attempts to get me to stop, he came over and whispered  in my ear, "mom don't you know you are a terrible dancer?!"  i replied, "yes, i work very hard at it and i am practicing so that when you are in high school i can chaperone your prom."   he did NOT think that was funny.   nowadays when we are out in public and the boys are giving me a hard time, i threaten to begin dancing in public.  i have done it once or twice to their horror.

for me, dancing has another fond memory.  andy was a worship team member and leader.  i still miss hearing his beautiful voice.  one of my favorite songs that he sang was, "i could sing of your love forever."  each member of our worship team would sing each of the verses.  andy sang the following verse:

Oh I feel like dancing
It's foolishness I know
But when the world has seen the light
They will dance with joy
Like they're dancing now

on one wednesday night, as andy was leading worship...singing and playing the keyboard, he shouted between the verses, "dance church, dance!"  he was encouraging the congregation to fully embrace praise and worship.  i teased him about his "outburst" later....i also told him how much i loved him, his love for God, his love for leading worship and his heart to listen to God's prompting.

fond memories....from the past and the ones we make each day.

dinner:
pulled pork, caesar salad and  homemade bread

currently reading:
the last girls

john 12

today grateful for:
sunday

church

sunshine and a day of warm outside temps

good health for my family

music

God's peace

January reflection

Well, I'm back after a long absence from blogging. With this last day in January, I have been working around the house, soaking in the wonderful sunshine, and reflecting upon some goals I set for this month.

• To eat from the freezer and pantry for a month
• To walk at least 10,000 steps a day
• To come up with a system for motivating the boys to complete household chores

Eating from the freezer/pantryTo accomplish my first goal, I had to get organized. It has been a bit easier since I have had several Saturdays at home. Last year both boys were wrestling, so every Saturday from December through February we were occupied with all day meets.

Except for purchasing some perishables such as milk, butter, eggs and cheese, every meal has been from our "storage." Since I work full time, I do much of our meal prep on the weekends:

• Making our bread and tortillas (I buy gluten free instead of making it because I can’t master making any loaf bread that doesn't feel like a brick.)  I am soooo thankful for my bread machine. I have had it since we were first married--it is 16 years old. Thankfully we didn't chose a cheap machine. It is a workhorse and worth every penny. I do bread dough in it that I then use in many different ways. 
• Cooking a week's worth of meat on the weekend (We have quite a bit of meat in the freezer. I love meat, especially pork, from a local farm. They raise pigs and chickens and process them to sell at the farmer's market. I stock up during the warmer months.)
• Planning menus a week(or more) at a time (A February goal is to develop a more organized system for doing this.)

Walking  at least 10,000 steps a day 
I purchased a computer bracelet that tracks my steps and sleep. Some days I exceed my step goal by walking as I work and other days I have to do more walking in my "leisure" time to reach the goal. I have a bit of a long term goal to get back into running. This is -very- long term since I have to shed quite a few pounds to ease the stress on my knees. I miss running, especially the benefits of weight loss and endorphins.

Motivating the boys to complete household chores
Good ol' Pinterest--I used pinterest to find a system to use. I adapted a couple I found into my own system. For us, each chore week begins on Saturday. This is so the boys can earn their weekend screen time. We do not watch TV or play video/computer games during the week, because several years ago I grew tired of the battles at school night bedtime or during our morning weekday rush. Then the boys were grouchy when I asked them to turn off the devices. Therefore, they earn their time by completing all their required chore, homework, etc. cards by Friday. Another help is we each have assigned laundry days.

Also, by having them complete chores by Friday, I am not spending my Saturday trying to play catch up or nagging them.


My February goals are:

• creating a system for easier, more organized meal planning
• beginning to "run" some each week
• going back to a weekly family night.

lunch:
leftover quiche, 

leftover buffalo chicken chili

bread

listening to:
recorded episodes of "the pioneer woman"

currently reading:
the last girls

praying the scriptures for your teenagers

Psalms

today grateful for:
sunshine!!!

when boys play outside in the sunshine

my elderly neighbors down the road who are so kind to us and especially to our sweet dog

God's peace

Still the one

A free Saturday.....heading to the farmer's market....soaking it the autumn chill in the air....heading on a short road trip up to the apple orchard....all was peaceful until the song on the radio...

"You're still the one I run to

The one that I belong to

You're still the one I want for life"

Driving through the mountains on a beautiful fall day, the grief crept up and sucker punched me....like in the earlier years.

It has been almost 6 years and I thought the grief had thinned so I wasn't prepared. Driving down the road sobbing...then it hit me. It was 16 years....16 years ago today that I first met him. I can remember the moment like it was yesterday. These were not the sort of thoughts to help hold back the flood of tears.

On my mind lately has been the idea of whether I want or could handle a new person in my life.  Over the past few months folks have wanted to fix me up. I go back and forth in my mind...
a companion would be nice but....

I don't want anyone to take his place...
I had my chance in this life and now it's gone...
My kids deserve a Godly man in their lives...
No one can be as good a dad as he was...
God will have to drop him right in front of me...
I will have to take at least a step forward...
oh, GOOD GRIEF!

Yesterday would have been our 16th anniversary. Last week would have been Andy's 49th birthday.

But on the bright side, I am thankful that I can remember today for how it ended.

My youngest was invited for his first sleep over so, T and I got to have an evening out. I decided to make it his special dinner, a few weeks early of his thirteenth birthday and give him his purity ring. We had a fun time and I wish Andy could have been here.

dinner:
Waterstone Pizza

listening to:
tv

currently reading:
praying the scriptures for your teenagers

Acts

today grateful for:
my boys

God's presence

mountains

autumn

apples and pumpkins

laughter and tears

thankful, day 25

I am thankful for a working automobile and provision for gas and time. On my busier days I drive 60-70 miles carpooling and taking my boys to after-school activities-piano lessons, wrestling practice, Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, karate lessons, school functions, youth group, etc.

dinner:
mac and cheese

listening to:
portable heater

currently reading:
pioneer woman cooks food from the frontier
proverbs
praying the scriptures for your teenager

today grateful for:
my boys
my eldest son's friends
the mom of one of my son's friends
friends/other moms who help with carpooling
two hour school delays
washing machine
warm clothes, warm house
my chess club kids
God's provision
the joy of the Lord
safety

thankful, day 14

I am thankful that my youngest has caught the reading bug. It warms the heart of this librarian.

dinner:
sandwiches

currently reading:
roll of thunder hear my cry
1 corinthians 13   
kizzy ann stamps  
praying the scriptures for your teenager

today grateful for:
my boys
Love 
a working automobile
getting through another hectic day

thankful, day 13

I am thankful for answered prayers. There times when we wonder why we survived or thrived through a particular circumstance only later to realize someone prayed or was praying for us. I know when I was young, I was protected because of the prayers of Andy's parents & grandparents as they prayed for his future spouse---before they knew me.

• Pray for your child's spouse to be. 
• Pray when God puts someone on your heart. 
• Pray when you are awakened with a thought in the middle of the night. 

I am thankful for God's protection, for my son's school and for God's guidance through prayer and the scripture regarding discipline.


dinner:
farmer's breakfast and apple cobbler
 
currently listening to:
silence

currently reading:
1 corinthians 13
roll of thunder, hear my cry
kizzy ann stamps 

 

today grateful for: 
my boys

God's protection

God's guidance

learning