another December

If you are looking for a cheery, uplifting blog post---this is not it.

I do not want to go through life just passing days. Sometimes it feels like that though. Overall, I have struggled to enjoy this December and holiday season. I did not want to buy or wrap presents. I did not want to decorate the house and I did not put up the tree. I pondered a bit why I felt this way. Will December ever be a fun month again...like it used to be years ago?

It has been a dreich month. The weather has been gray. December has been filled with news of deaths both near and far.

It is the first Christmas ever that I did not go to my hometown. This is the first Christmas without Mom. The boys are my family. They are my joy.

I feel like traveling far away from my house which desperately needs to be decluttered and cleaned. I feel like traveling to some place where I do not know anyone so I do not have to be cheery or answer the question, "How are you?"

Today, I had the house to myself for a few hours and I attempted to clean. It is easier to scrub, wash and vacuum than to declutter. The thought always runs through my mind---if I died today I would not want anyone to have to wade through this mess. As I pulled out furniture to vacuum and dust, I found a box containing Andy memories. Thanks "Grief" for that sucker punch.

We were not meant to imagine it

The tragic event of the past week, the slaughter of children and women in Newton, CT, has been on everyone's minds. I have been trying to fathom it.

In my opinion, the reason we struggle to understand such tragedy and horrific events is because God did not create us to imagine such evil.We were created in His image. We were made to be fruitful not harmful. Humans did not know of evil until Adam and Eve exercised their freedom of choice.

"But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and blessing and calamity you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die." Genesis 2:17

"...his heart was deeply troubled." Genesis 6:6

If God's heart is deeply troubled by evilness then should not our own hearts be troubled as well? I do not think we need to try to understand the evil or the reasoning behind evil. Recognize that IT IS evil, flee from it and seek God.

God forbid, if we no longer struggle with the thought of it then we are the evil and totally separated from God.

We have been warned that it is going to get worse as some no longer struggle with good and evil.

"But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power." 2 Timothy 3:1-5

Perhaps that is why we feel loss, tragedy and grief with intensity and pain...why sometimes experiencing intense grief seems that it might break us physically. 

But it does not have to break us...and I am not referring to the often misquoted 1 Corinthians 10:13...when someone tries to comfort in a time of grief or trouble by saying, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." First of all,(and I am shouting in my head here) God did not give evil. Secondly, there are times and events that will be more than we can handle. God wants us to seek Him and not take it upon ourselves.

"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2

"The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble." Psalm 9:9

dinner:
soup and grilled cheese sandwiches

currently listening to:
snoring dog
Christmas praise music on Pandora

currently reading: 
greater
isaiah
a wrinkle in time 

today grateful for: 
God and His faithfulness
God's victory over evil
my boys 
my youngest son's sense of humor
my oldest son's tender heart
my sons' artwork
my life group
my widow friends
coworkers
provision 
good health 

image from http://cdn.theatlanticwire.com/img/upload/2012/12/14/RTR3BKZU_1/large.jpg