Writing for this blog tends to fall in the long list of things waiting for me to have free time in order to complete them. In this current stage of my life, free time is a scarce commodity. Today is Sunday and the final day of the university's and my son's school fall break. Since we had a four day weekend, I have had time to catch up on this month's long list of "to-dos." The past month has been difficult. On the Tuesday after Labor Day, my mother-in-law was killed in a car accident just a few miles from her home.
Frankly, even though I have experienced the sucker punch of loss before, I tend to forget the toll grief takes on one's body. Because the wound is not external, sometimes we push through the days and neglect tending to the pain. We are inclined to overlook the healing process. I may suppose I am functioning at my best, but often that is not the case and I fail to recognize it.
Psalm 34 is one of my favorite books of the Bible. Not only does it contain my life verse but it contains so many verses that speak into the hard times in life, such as verse 18, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
My mother-in-law and I had countless conversations about faith in the face of death, loss, and grief. I remember talking to her within days after 9/11 when I was 7 months pregnant with our first child. I was mulling over the future of bringing a baby into a world with such turmoil. She walked by faith and had an anointing to listen and give wise, godly counsel. I do not recall her exact words but I remember she said that God's word was her comfort and guidance. Furthermore, she mentioned the song, "Because He Lives" by Bill Gaither. As she lived a life of worship and was a wonderful musician and songstress, this suggestion was an organic one. The song remains my go-to when circumstances are bewildering or overwhelming.
Parenting has challenges which are difficult to explain and hard to prepare for. This weekend in my time with my youngest, I experienced obstacles which thankfully led to small victories. I am thankful for answered prayers and for prayer warriors who faithfully lift my sons and I up in prayer.
My teenage son has been invited to join the National Honor Society. Given a choice, he would not take on any challenges. He fears pain and defeat. After a few tense hours of debate and struggle, we experienced the grace of God and my son completed the required essay for his NHS application. I had initiated the process by asking him questions about what brings him joy, in what occasions has he had experiences to demonstrate leadership, how have others been blessed by his actions, and what would his grandmother say she is proud of him for.
The hard bouts of parenting take me to the depths of discouragement. The nadir, in its shadows, invites me to give up. As I am tempted to acquiesce and allow the darkness to envelop me, it is not the end as it might appear. It is the bedrock and where I recognize God. When hope seems to be fading, when the sting of isolation brings despair, and darkness is moments from fully consuming me, that is where I find God. Not that He is waiting there for me, but that He has been with me all along. Just as He promises to be.
currently listening to:
silence
currently reading:
1 Kings
The sea of monsters
coursework
today grateful for:
my youngest son and his giftings
my oldest son and his talents
my mother-in-law
my brother
extended family
God's faithfulness
His word
paid time off
faithful prayer warriors
clean water
cool fall weather
