Crushed in spirit

Writing for this blog tends to fall in the long list of things waiting for me to have free time in order to complete them. In this current stage of my life, free time is a scarce commodity. Today is Sunday and the final day of the university's and my son's school fall break. Since we had a four day weekend, I have had time to catch up on this month's long list of "to-dos." The past month has been difficult. On the Tuesday after Labor Day, my mother-in-law was killed in a car accident just a few miles from her home. 

Frankly, even though I have experienced the sucker punch of loss before, I tend to forget the toll grief takes on one's body. Because the wound is not external, sometimes we push through the days and neglect tending to the pain. We are inclined to overlook the healing process. I may suppose I am functioning at my best, but often that is not the case and I fail to recognize it.

Psalm 34 is one of my favorite books of the Bible. Not only does it contain my life verse but it contains so many verses that speak into the hard times in life, such as verse 18, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." 

My mother-in-law and I had countless conversations about faith in the face of death, loss, and grief. I remember talking to her within days after 9/11 when I was 7 months pregnant with our first child. I was mulling over the future of bringing a baby into a world with such turmoil. She walked by faith and had an anointing to listen and give wise, godly counsel. I do not recall her exact words but I remember she said that God's word was her comfort and guidance. Furthermore, she mentioned the song, "Because He Lives" by Bill Gaither. As she lived a life of worship and was a wonderful musician and songstress, this suggestion was an organic one. The song remains my go-to when circumstances are bewildering or overwhelming.

Parenting has challenges which are difficult to explain and hard to prepare for. This weekend in my time with my youngest, I experienced obstacles which thankfully led to small victories. I am thankful for answered prayers and for prayer warriors who faithfully lift my sons and I up in prayer.

My teenage son has been invited to join the National Honor Society. Given a choice, he would not take on any challenges. He fears pain and defeat. After a few tense hours of debate and struggle, we experienced the grace of God and my son completed the required essay for his NHS application. I had initiated the process by asking him questions about what brings him joy, in what occasions has he had experiences to demonstrate leadership, how have others been blessed by his actions, and what would his grandmother say she is proud of him for.

The hard bouts of parenting take me to the depths of discouragement. The nadir, in its shadows, invites me to give up. As I am tempted to acquiesce and allow the darkness to envelop me, it is not the end as it might appear. It is the bedrock and where I recognize God. When hope seems to be fading, when the sting of isolation brings despair, and darkness is moments from fully consuming me, that is where I find God. Not that He is waiting there for me, but that He has been with me all along. Just as He promises to be.

currently listening to:
silence

currently reading: 
1 Kings
The sea of monsters
coursework

today grateful for:  
my youngest son and his giftings
my oldest son  and his talents
my mother-in-law
my brother
extended family
God's faithfulness
His word 
paid time off
faithful prayer warriors
clean water
cool fall weather

No two years are alike

My dad had a saying, "If you use a new word three times, it is yours." On weekdays while I prioritize my calendar, I listen to the Merriam Webster's word of the day podcast. Enjoying words reminds me of Andy. I would kid him as, my LOV, lord of the vocabulary. 

I look forward to Merriam Webster's announcement of the word of the year for 2020. The Oxford dictionary folks have capitulated to a crowded list of "words of the year" including "unprecedented." None of their choices are superlative. Their lack of definitive choice is appropriate as tepidness sums up 2020.

Just as we are often reminded that no two children are alike, this year has been a vivid reminder that each year has different events, sadness, and joy.

Despite tepidness, this year does not feel as gray as the previous eleven since Andy's death. This came to mind when I reposted a Facebook article on grief in the holiday season. I did not have my own season in mind, but I was thinking of the mother who is marking the first year anniversary of her child's passing and the relatives who are facing the first holiday season without a brother and mother. Perhaps this year is exceptional because it feels as if the earth has been knocked out of its ordered rotation. Nevertheless, I am grateful that God in His sovereignty and grace has given us a chance to scrutinize our routines, precepts, priorities, and beliefs.

This year differs from others for me as....a year with my adult child, who transitioned into the college world....a year of stepping into the expanded role of professor....a year with an amplified amount of domestic, voluntary, and occupational responsibilities...a year without vacation... a year with numerous opportunities to reflect and analyze assumptions, customs and rituals.

Here's to hoping that this year is remembered as one of introspection, both collectively and individually. 

"Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. Blessed is the one who fears the Lord always, but whoever hardens his heart will fall into calamity."   Proverbs 28:13-14 ESV

currently listening to:
dripping faucet

currently reading: 
Genesis
The Cost of Discipleship
The Lazy Genius Way
The ministry of ordinary places
Stylish Academic Writing
1984

today grateful for:  
my boys
BSF
faith
His word 
God's plan
paid time off
modern technology for communication
cool weather 
clean water 
electricity

mundane thing & thankfulness

today, i have used this utensil at least 4 times.  i wash it and reuse it daily.  each time i use it, i think of my brother and sister-in-law.

they have a tradition each year for Christmas of giving me a collection of their favorite things.  this spatula was a favorite thing a year or so ago.  i am blessed, because each time i use it i give thanks for my brother and his wife.  my brother and i both found and married our spouses late in life...in our thirties.  my sister-in-law is an answer to many years of prayer.  prayers i prayed for my brother for his heart, mind and soul.

i am thankful and blessed that my sister-in-law is a follower of Christ, has a heart for missions, loves and takes care of my brother.

i am thankful that as a couple they love Christ, have hearts for others, are prayer warriors and devoted disciples.

lately several folks i know have shared their brokenheartedness and memories of the loss of ones they hold dear...a child, a spouse, a sibling.   please take no moment, no day, no opportunities for granted.  hug them, enjoy their voices, tell them what they mean to you.

R & E, I love you and give thanks for you both!!!!

currently listening to:
local newscast

dinner: 
pizza (kids)

chef salad (me)

currently reading:
when God doesn't fix it
the more of less
psalms
colossians
today grateful for:
my boys
answered prayers
God's patience and love for me
electricity, clean water, safety, good health
fellowship with believers

birthday blessings

today was my birthday and my sons surprised and treated me to several surprises.  when i returned home this morning from my saturday farmers' market shopping trip, i opened the front door to a beautiful chorus of "happy birthday." 

the table was set for breakfast and with specially folded napkins, a beautifully wrapped gift, and a spread of handmade cards. (one featuring "bacon man!")

my oldest wrote the verse jeremiah 1:5 on the chalkboard.  this alone made my heart sing.    it is a gift beyond words.

what can i say?  my boys have their dad's gift of intuition and insight.  it was a morning of pure joy for me.  my youngest made a list so as not to forget any details.   my oldest prepared an incredible, homemade breakfast for us...


fruit salad with strawberries, wine berries and bananas, the most delicious cheese omelet i have ever tasted, 
and croissants.

we sat and ate and giggled.   joy!














my oldest thought ahead and while he was at boy scout camp in june, he made me a sign for my library complete with the school mascot.

today was one of the best days.  one i will treasure.

dinner:

gourmet pizza and cheesecake (dining out)

listening to:

third day

currently reading:
when helping hurts

1 timothy

today grateful for:

my boys

another year

andy

God's word

laughter and joy

snow days

i am thankful for a week of snow days, not for my usual reasons–

-a chance to sleep in, 

-a chance to do housework, 

-a chance to play in the snow with my boys, 

-a chance to read, 

-a chance to cook, or such---

---but because for most of the time i have chosen to stay home and think.   to meditate upon purpose and the Word in the holy days which begin the season of Lent… the 40 days leading up to Easter.  

i began reading and will continue to read two blogs which are focusing upon Lenten thoughts--- www.shereadstruth.com and www.aholyexperience.com .   these two writers have a gift for words which inspire me to seek more of God and His Word.

i want to accomplish a few things in the next 40 days---

---aiming my children’s thoughts daily upon God’s heart and His will 

---narrowing my focus and refocusing upon God, His heart and His love 

---eliminating things that take my focus away from God

tonight before we did our nightly “thankfuls,” i asked the boys to close their eyes and meditate as well as pray for God to show them meaning regarding the scripture Jeremiah 24:7.   i am aware any day could be my last and every moment i am given is the opportunity to point them towards seeking and hearing from God.   there will be times in their lives in which they will have to make  solemn and deliberate choices.    it is my task to prepare them as God directs.

wachet auf !!!

awake, arise !!!

dinner:
spaghetti

currently reading:
2 blogs with lenten devotionals:         www.shereadstruth.com and www.aholyexperience.com

jeremiah

today grateful for:
snow days

my boys

good health

the WORD

electricity, technology, and access to inspiration writing

a warm home

the power of words

this weekend i am thankful for "words" from those i love.

my oldest son competes with a teen Bible quizzing group.  i was tickled to get to see his team compete this saturday.  usually the competitions are several hours away and he travels with the team.  i have only been to one other --his first competition.   although his team came in 2nd place....the highlights of the day came for me when first, he said the opening prayer before one of the rounds.  hearing him pray boldly from the heart gave me goosebumps.  

i did not grow up hearing anyone besides the church minister pray aloud, except the times when my dad said our standard grace before a meal.  it took me years (in my 30's)  to overcome my self consciousness of praying aloud and pray with the focus on God.  i am thankful my boys have learned and embraced faith at a younger age.

the second highlight at the weekend's competition was hearing my son answer a question with a verse he had memorized:

 Then Paul answered, “Why are you weeping and breaking my heart? I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die in Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus.”

                                                                                     Acts 21:13

i pray that these verses are written on his heart and he will be equipped to draw upon these words when needed. The Word---The Living Word


today i received an email from my brother with a message, his own words that mean more to me than i can express.

i am thankful for words and the Word that bless me.

dinner:
tacos

currently reading:
the last girls

acts

today grateful for:
weekends

my boys

my brother

my brother's wife

good health for my family

words

the WORD

a working vehicle 

a warm home

clean water

laughter

snow days

5 years

It struck me the other day, my youngest has known more years without his dad than with his dad.  He was just 2½ when his dad died. It has been 5 years.

I find it hard to remember the person I was before. So much of who I was and who we were as a family seems to be a distant memory. I look at pictures but sometimes it seems like it was a different life. 

Phillip Yancy wrote:

"You live with the grief as if in a bubble, and only gradually re-enter the world. You go to the grocery store. You go back to work. Eventually that outer world takes over more and more of you and the grief begins to shrink."

The grief has shrunk somewhat or "thinned" as a widow friend puts it. Grief used to be an uninvited guest, an intruder, a squatter...but now when I look back I have learned a great deal through the waves of grief.

“The darker the night, the brighter the stars, The deeper the grief, the closer is God!”  

 -Dostoyevsky (Crime and Punishment)

In the first years, when the night was the darkest, I definitely clung to God as my life-raft in the storm. Without Him, I am certain the darkness would have overtaken me. But now as the "outer world" tries to take over I have to be very conscious to make time to focus on my Star.

dinner:
on the run

listening to:
pandora

currently reading:
the question that never goes away
john
roll of thunder hear my cry
miracles and massacres

today grateful for:
my boys

God's faithfulness
a working automobile
technology that saves time

ups

laughter and tears

new friends

thankful, day 24

I am thankful my oldest enjoys cooking with me. When he was little he used to enjoy watching Alton Brown and Emeril. He makes a mean guacamole, delicious farmers breakfast, and yummy apple cobbler. Bacon is what he does better than anyone! Today we made Dutch Apple Bread together.


dinner:
chicken noodle soup

listening to:
christmas music

currently reading:
overcoming dyslexia
pioneer woamn cooks food from the frontier
roll of thunder hear my cry
praying the scriptures for your teenager

today grateful for:
my boys
hanging with my boys
our lifegroup
sunday
thanksgiving sunday at grace
worship songs
cold weather
electricity
good health & safety
working automobile
unity and community

thankful, day 11

I am thankful for my favorite veteran, my dad.

He was drafted during an enlistment freeze while he was a student at UNC.  He served in the Army Air Corps in Guam in World War II and was a central fire control gunner in a B-29 that flew bombing missions over Japan.

I always loved photographs of him in his uniform. I thought he was so handsome!

I miss him. He passed away in 2005. He would have been 90 this year.

dinner:
leftovers

currently listening to:
silence

currently reading:
1 corinthians 13
time's unending garden
roll of thunder, hear my cry 
kizzy ann stamps  

today grateful for:  

my boys 

my parents

freedom

the United States of America

losing faith

I have a charm bracelet that I purchased for myself. On it are 5 charms. Four have initials---mine, my husband's and one for each of my sons. The fifth matches the others in style but has the word, "faith."

Tonight as my boys and I were saying our daily thankfuls, I looked down and realized my "faith" charm was gone. I had lost faith. I was struck with the humor of it.

Losing your faith is a choice not an accident. I have had many opportunities to "lose my faith." I have heard others, who have suffered hardships or losses, speak of losing their faith or being mad at God. I cannot control my circumstances but I can control my choices...my reactions to these. When my husband died, I sought God. But as I heard it stated today, I cannot live off "day old" manna. In other words, each day I must renew my mind, wake up and choose to seek that relationship with God. I know no matter what happens, God never leaves me, never goes a distance from me, never chooses to separate from me.

I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I will do, and I will not forsake them. Isaiah 42:16

For the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:5 

God has said,“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. Hebrews 13:4

Being close to God is a choice....taking refuge in Him, falling weak into his presence.

For me, the first step is the hardest to take. I cannot count the number of times I have taken a first step. Why is it hard? Because it is a battle that begins with the first step. Darkness loses when I take the first step.

Watching a spiritually uplifting video,
                             singing a song,
                                           listening to a recording of God's word,
                                                        reading anything from the Bible....

1 step



Be encouraged ... take a step.

video links:

a testimony of faith   https://www.dropbox.com/sh/yqpmrrjb8pr90r9/AQ77ummvF?lst#lh:null-Robin%20Foutz_WideAwake.mov

facing a trial   http://vimeo.com/66564850

dinner:
at our fav local dive

currently listening to:
night insects
a snoring dog

currently reading:
being george washington
the river
isaiah

today grateful for: 
faith
life and living it
God's peace
His word
my boys
hugs from my boys
a job
good health
testimonies of God's promises, miracles, and faithfulness

peaceful

We just returned from our holiday trip. We were blessed to get to spend some of our time with family at a cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains. It was a peaceful place for our holiday gathering with my husband's family. The boys love to spend time with their cousins. During this visit, they spent hours constructing and playing in "forts" in the woods.

The cabin faces southeast, so we soak in the incredible colors of the sunrises and sunsets over a breathtaking view. We can take things at a slower pace and just hang out together with few distractions.

Prior to our trip to NC, we had a quiet Christmas morning at home. My oldest was so excited for his little brother to open his gift since T had put time, thought and his own money into the gift. He was tickled with his little brother's excitement. As of yet, my youngest is not as enthusiastic in the "giving" aspect of the holidays. My mother-in-law took the boys shopping earlier this month for their gifts for me. They were both eager for me to open their gifts. A sweet time indeed.

This year, my gift to the boys was a trip, just before Christmas, to Williamsburg and Jamestown. We spent our first 2 days and 1 night at the Great Wolf Lodge. They had a blast seeing the sights, visiting with Santa, playing a scavenger hunt game in the lodge and playing at the inside waterpark.The next 2 days/nights were more low key as we visited the Jamestown Settlement and Colonial Williamsburg.

I would like to say tonight as we returned home and wrapped up our holiday week...that the day ended serenely. Alas my youngest capped off our evening here at home with a few all-out-temper-tantrums over the dinner selection and my request for him to put away his new toys.

currently listening to:
a dripping faucet

dinner:
ham, corn pudding and edamame

currently reading:
the silver chair
living in the land of enough
luke

today grateful for:
family
home
safe travel
God

white friday

The growing concept of "Black Friday" disgusts me. Before I explain, I should give a bit of background information.

About 5 years ago, our household budget was tight because we had our second child and Andy's job kept being cut back. I dove wholeheartedly into frugal mode. Super saving and frugality became my idol. I thrived upon getting things at extremely low prices or better---for free. I became heavily involved in the couponing world and stockpiling. We are -still- living off of the stockpile of nonperishables.

I hate that there are folks who cannot spend Thanksgiving with their loved ones because they have to work because of Black Friday. The only solace might be for folks who need cash might get overtime pay for working on a holiday. I hate that folks fore-go time with family for the sake of things! Maybe you are getting in line to save on a Christmas present for a child....if you do this every year I wonder if the child remembers the many great gifts (long after they are broken, outdated and gone) or will he remember that every Thanksgiving his grandma and mom were absent because they were camping out in line. If you, or grandma, or the child were gone tomorrow, would the good deal matter more than time with that person?

Do we really need the latest $99 kids toy or laptop deal or camera? Will the older version not do? I decided the Friday after Thanksgiving would be a "white Friday" for me. I loaded up the car with the products of my cleaning efforts and made trips to the dump, Goodwill and a used book store. (I must say I am disappointed that used books have practically no resell value. I took 3 boxes of books and they only wanted 10 of the books.)

Since I have been cooped up in the house as my youngest is recovering, I have decided to "clean out a few closets." Of course, whenever I clean out a closet I end up with a HUGE depressing mess. It looks like the closet threw up all over the room! I let tons of stuff go in the year after Andy died. Parts of the house could have been featured on a hoarder reality show. I want to be rid of the clutter but I dread the process of going through stuff.However, I can't just box it up and throw it all out. As I have been going through boxes and stuff, I have made some discoveries...

-a $20 bill
-a Swiss Army knife my dad gave my youngest when he was first born(I put it away for safe keeping and then couldn't find it for years.)
-Andy had TONS of gaming books
-coathangers multiply
-I have way too much junk!

currently listening to:
boys arguing and making up again

dinner: (last night)
beef stroganoff, glazed carrots, pumpkin ice cream w/ snickerdoodles --thanks, "Binty!"

currently reading:
the silver chair
the undistracted widow
miss minimalist
Isaiah

today grateful for:
my boys
God
sunshine
Goodwill
our home
provision from God

thinking twice

so many times, i really should think twice before i open my big mouth. why do i complain about october? it is a very hectic month for us. i pray that in the future, my first thoughts would be ones of thankfulness instead of complaining....

instead of.....	i SHOULD think...
i have too many errands...	i am blessed to have a car
	i am blessed to have funds to buy gas
	i am blessed to live in a place with available resources
	i am blessed i can get out of bed
there are so many non-teaching things i have to get done at work...	i am blessed to work in my calling
	i am blessed to have a job
	i am blessed to have a safe workplace
i have to get up so early...	i am blessed to have a bedroom of my own
	i am blessed i can go to sleep at night without fear
	i am blessed to have a roof over my head
there are so many chores to do everyday around the house	i am blessed to have a house
	i am blessed to a washing machine
	i am blessed to have inside plumbing & clean water
	i am blessed to i can get around to do these things
sickness in the house is the pits	i am blessed to have healing
	i am blessed to have funds & access to good medical facilities
this single parenting thing stinks...	i am blessed to be a mom
	i am blessed to have been married to Andy
	i am blessed to have 2 wonderful, healthy boys
	i am blessed to be alive
	i am blessed to have God

currently listening to:
rain

dinner: (last night)
fast food

currently reading:
the voyage of the dawn treader
the undistracted widow
moneyball
the apostolic ministry
luke

today grateful for:
my boys
provision
modern medicine
a working automobile
a job
a house
God

Life

In my last blog post, I promised to write of M’s coming to Christ. I now wish I had stopped that night and made a few notes. These days my memory often fails me. I do recall the basics, just not every detail. I am so thankful that both of my boys know Christ. I want to live to see my boys grow up, live happy and full lives as God wills for them. Yet, I feel that I have carried out one of the most important missions God has given me.

In the days leading up to M’s decision, he had been consumed by the thought of death. My guess is it may have begun on our discombobulated trip home from Boone when he accidentally got his right hand slammed in the car door. For several days following, he would repeat, “I don’t want you to die.” I don’t want T. to die.” I don’t want Franklin to die.” (our dog) Before December 2008, I would probably had told him not to worry about me, his mother, dying. But I cannot say that, as any moment might be my last with him on this earth. I hugged him each time and told him I loved him. I told him about his Daddy being in heaven because Andy loved Jesus and had asked Jesus to live in his heart and be his savior.

As I watch the documentary programs recounting the events of September 11, 2001, I recall my thoughts of that day and that week. I was 32 weeks pregnant with our first child. I was at work that morning and I remember a parent coming into our school to tell us that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center. It was up to me in the library to tune the cable channels for our school’s closed circuit system. I spent the morning, in between the times I taught my library classes, watching the monitor. As many others, I called the person who I loved and meant the most to me, my husband. I thought, what kind of a world and situation are we bringing a child into? We had tried for one and a half years before conceiving this blessed child. In a conversation with my mother-in-law, she reminded us of the beautiful hymn, “Because He lives.” That weekend was the baby shower. Five months later at the baby dedication, Andy and I sang, "Because He Lives" and my mother-in-law accompanied us.

This child can face uncertain days because He lives.

In the ten years since that day…
…our first child was born
…my father died
…our second child was born
…Andy’s grandmother, my mother-in-law’s mother, died
…Andy, my husband, their father, a son, a brother died

What does our future hold? As I look at all of the natural disasters and freakish weather we have had not only in just the past month but in the past 2 years, I do not know.I do know...

God sent His son, they called Him Jesus
He came to love, heal, and forgive.
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives.
But greater still the calm assurance,
This child can face uncertain days because He lives.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

And then one day I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain.
And then as death gives way to victory,
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone!
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives!

~ William and Gloria Gaither ~

currently listening to:
9/11 broadcasts

dinner(last night):
omelets
home fries
chicken bacon

currently reading:
prince caspian
getting things done
ezekiel
ecclesiastes

today grateful for:
my boys
God's mercy
salvation through Christ
our lives
the days I had with Andy
my country