Okay, I have been struggling with my own aggressive, defensive/offensive thoughts for the past 2 days. I know the statement/title of this blog post and thoughts that go with it are not in the least bit meek, humble or Christian in nature. They are carnal, from the deep recesses... from my mother bear place.
My parents had different philosophies for dealing with aggression. My mom was a resolute, "old school" teacher. She advocated "not hitting back." My dad was a tough guy of sorts. He was a golden gloves champion as a teenager and an undaunted litigator as an adult. He told me on several occasions that he was proud of my aggressive instincts. He had a "strike back, if hit" philosophy.
For the past 2 days my youngest and I have been going to the pool in the afternoon, while my eldest is at Cub Scout day camp. Tuesday the pool was packed with moms and kids seeking relief from the heat. My little guy is not afraid of the water but he is just learning the ins and outs and he still bounces in the shallow end where he can touch the bottom. He loves jumping in, splashing, riding piggyback, and just playing. He is very happy playing by himself but a he will engage others in conversation whether they want to converse or not.
Yesterday, there were two girls, who appeared to be about 6-7 years old playing in this shallow end where my lil guy was entertaining himself. I was reading while sitting in a chair on the side a few feet from where he was when I heard him yelp. When I looked up to see his wrinkled chin and red face, I knew something had occurred. When I stooped down, he explained that the larger of the girls had pinched him. I reminded him to use his I/eye message and tell her he did not like it when she pinched him. I wanted to let him learn to handle things himself. So I returned to my seat to keep watch over him.
The two girls continued to play and jump in that same area and occasionally speak in a friendly manner to my son as they swam by him. Within a few minutes, the same girl swam up behind my guy and pushed him in the back of the head. I resisted the urge to leap into the water and confront her. He yelped but did not address her directly. I stooped down and reminded him about the I/eye message and modeled it by speaking directly to the girl, "I don't like it when you hit him." I watched to see if any of the women nearby might be her caretaker/mother and might look in the direction of my stern voice. Nothing.
I returned to my watchpost again and did not have to wait before the girl grabbed him by the arm and yanked him. He yelped, "Ow!" I spoke louder than before, "No hitting. Do not hit him." Her expression did not change much as she flippantly said, "Sorry." Again, I glanced the nearby sunbathers and swimmers to see if any faces might register with recognition. Nothing.
I returned to my seat and made it quite obvious that I was watching my son and the girls. Before long, she swam up next to him and yanked his toy out of his hand. I got in the water next to him, "No! Please give that back to him, now!" I retrieved the toy from where she just dropped it in the water and kept him away from her for the rest of the time we were there. She never spoke to any other adult in the water or on the deck while we were there.
I wanted to stand on the side of the pool, point to this child in the water and scream out, "Whose child is this?" I had some not so nice thoughts about this mystery parent who was neglectful and raising a bully.
On the way home in the car, I rehearsed with my son the different situations and the various eye messages he could use. I explained that when he only screamed or yelped, everyone would just think kids were playing. He needed to make sure he spoke his "I" message loud enough for adults in charge to hear and take notice.
Today, the pool was much less crowded. It looked as though just 5 or so families were there. Right away I spotted the girl who had bullied him the day before. There was one other woman on that side of the pool, where the kids were playing. She was engrossed in her book. "I bet that is her mother," I judged. I was not going to be deterred from enjoying our shallow end play area. I sat in the same spot where I could see both kids and this woman. My guy jumped in to play in the shallow end. All was fine for 10-15 minutes, then this girl approached him silently and splashed him directly in the face. He loudly said, "I don't like it when you splash me." She stopped. however, the woman never looked up from her book or acknowledged our presence.
Two teenage girls swam past the girl, hopped out and sat down to speak with the lounging woman. So I guessed the woman & teenagers were not related to my son's tormentor.
A few minutes later, as he played by himself, she splashed him and swatted him and he loudly yelled, "I don't like it when you hit me!" Others looked up in the direction of his voice, but no one moved.
Later as he was climbing out at the ladder she came up behind him and yanked him back in. He said very loudly, "I don't like it when you pull me." I reiterated, "No pulling. Do not touch him." Nothing.
I sat on the side of the pool, with my feet in the water and played with him, all the while keeping watch. We bounced, played and talked together and at one point, I handed him a little bit of a flower that was floating in the water.
I moved to stand up and go over to the ladder to climb in. I did not want to jump in and get my hair wet. For a moment, he was out of my vision. In seconds, I heard him scream and cry. As I approached him from poolside, I saw out of the corner of my eye, a woman at the edge of the pool by the girl. Meanwhile, he was still crying, "She took my flower. Mommy gave it to me."
The woman either spoke softly or motioned the girl to get out. I did not hear her say anything. She walked this girl to the far, opposite end of the pool deck, where she pointed to a chair for the girl to sit in. The woman never spoke to my son or I. Never offered an apologetic glance or made any eye contact with us. I guess I should be grateful that she at least decided to take some kind of authoritative role to acknowledge the situation and restrict her daughter.
I am still working on this one in my head and heart. I know I need love to triumph over my aggressive, mother bear, smack-down tendency. I am glad my son did not strike back as a first instinct. I am thankful he was obedient with his verbal messages to his aggressor. I know even though he is little now, he will develop into a much stronger man and learning now "not to hit girls" is an important lesson. I know God made men to be protectors. I want to raise my sons to be that man. I have been talking to my boys and teaching them about encouraging others and glorifying God.
But it is hard not to want to tell them to hit back in their own defense.
currently listening to:
nighttime summer noises
dinner:
pork chops
salad with lettuce from our garden
currently reading:
various magazines
the magician's nephew
1thessalonians, ephesians
today grateful for:my boys
the Bibleworking automobiles
dishwasher & washing machine
a day of cooler summer weather
today marked the seventh snow day this month. we went back to school yesterday but another storm came through overnight. the boys have loved having time to play video games more than usual. i have enjoyed the time as well, but the time has been a strange "playmate." 
