It's not about me

I feel as though for many years I have been caught up in myself, my own little world. I have reached a point of exasperation with myself. Enough already!

Previously I worked to find ways to combat my self-centeredness. In one of my workplaces, I had a few colleagues that irritated me with their selfish, vindictive gossiping and scheming. My first urge, and not a very grown-up or Christian line of thinking, was to seek retribution. So to counter that urge,in addition to praying for him or her(which is no small thing -it is life changing BTW), I sought to do pleasant things anonymously for my coworkers--such as leave baked goodies or pleasant decorations in the breakroom, add fancy handsoap in the washroom, and leave encouraging notes or small gifts at the offending coworkers' workstations.

My self absorption seems to have increased over these past 2 years because of grief and imbalance. I think partially because I have lost my soulmate who was my counterbalance. He was one in the relationship who was thoughtful and incredible listener, picked up tiny details and could read people. I have decided that it is time to turn around. I want my boys to have an outlook on the world that does not revolve around themselves and I must set the example. Plus, I know my purpose on this earth is not for myself.

Last week I began reading a wonderful book, "365 Thank Yous: The Year a Simple Act of Daily Gratitude Changed My Life" by John Kralik. He writes of how he spent a year with the goal of writing 365 thank you notes, basically one a day. I am enjoying this easy to read and uplifting account of his year and how it changed his perspective. I believe gratitude is the start to an outward perspective. As a Christian, this started for me with gratitude to my Saviour for his love and sacrifice. Each night before bed, the boys and I name one or more things for which we are grateful. On our weekly family night, we individually name the thing in the past week for which we are the most grateful and I record each answer in our "gratitude notebook." My plan is for us to read back through this gratitude journal during Passover.

I am just beginning to feel as though my brain is returning to reality and is able to process and hold thoughts. It has felt like I have been driving over the mountains in a thick fog with my hands in a death grip on the steering wheel. I have stopped to take a breath and let go of the wheel. It probably helps that I have been sleeping better since the holidays. A more efficient brain has meant I can begin reflecting quite a bit and deciding, studying and praying on how to jump-start an "outward" perspective. So I have set some goals to begin this month.

Actions to begin in February

1. Celebrate February with 100 Acts of Love-- an idea I got from Christy Bower, "The Christian Minimalist" blogger.
2. Discard/giveaway 211 items(get it 2/11=211) to loosen the bonds that owning stuff has on me.(about 7-8 things per day)
3. Along that freedom from materialism line ---Commit not to buy anything except food, gas & meds. I am going to attempt to buy as few groceries as possible by utilizing items from our pantry & freezer.
4. During my study time, concentrate on scripture that focuses on the love of others and sharing God's love.

I intend to hold myself accountable and to document this journey on the blog.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:21

As so often is the case in my life, there are musical accompaniments for this turn in life. matthew west's "my own little world" and jj. heller's "what love really means"

it's not about me

Currently listening to:
Jimmy Needham-"Dearly Loved"

Dinner:
leftovers

Currently reading:
365 Thank Yous
Matthew
Be Joyful

Today grateful for:
my boys
the word
lessons learned
good health
sunshine
a job
a purpose
God’s provision
God's presence

This is the stuff

This is the stuff---it is the title of a Francesa Battistelli song. It so sums up many of my daily distractions and frustrations. I have a bad habit of letting these things swallow up my brain and leave me in a self-centered, selfish, anxious, non-joyful state-of-mind. By no means am I saying that my daily battles surpass my encounters with grief.Yet, I let the daily skirmishes wear me down much like the irritating sore of a splinter or a tiny rock in my shoe. I prep for the bigger battles with grief by donning my full armor. Yet the daily irritations sneak in under the radar, between the tiny cracks. Every day is new with its own battles big or little for which I must prepare. This is the stuff that I have to handle one day at a time.


Currently listening to:
Francesa Battistelli
lil M singing to himself

Lunch:
fresh greens from the market
sandwiches
fruit

Currently reading:
Animal, Vegetable, Miracle

Today grateful for:
good health
weekends
sunshine
working automobiles
God’s provision
God's presence

addendum (January 23, 2011)
Today's reading in My Utmost For His Highest speaks to this very thing. It's amazing how God does that! ;)

The most important rule for us is to concentrate on keeping our lives open to God. Let everything else including work, clothes, and food be set aside. The busyness of things obscures our concentration on God. We must maintain a position of beholding Him, keeping our lives completely spiritual through and through. Let other things come and go as they will; let other people criticize us as they will; but never allow anything to obscure the life that “is hidden with Christ in God” (Colossians 3:3). Never let a hurried lifestyle disturb the relationship of abiding in Him. This is an easy thing to allow, but we must guard against it. The most difficult lesson of the Christian life is learning how to continue “beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord . . . .”

link to the entire devotion --> http://utmost.org/transformed-by-beholding/

Getting things done

I often wish for a few free days in order to clean and organize my house. For the past week or so, I have had my wish but I have not been making the best use of my time. In reality, when I do not strictly schedule my free time, I waste time and in the end I am more disorderly that on my busier days. So I need to find a way to make myself feel like I have a frantic deadline to fool myself into getting myself in gear.

Truth be told, I have a few OC tendencies which paired with my perfectionist, procrastination avoidance tendencies are an unhealthy mix. I inherited my mom’s depression era flawed thinking of “I might need this someday.” Arggh! I hate that I cannot just go through my clutter swiftly and dispose of stuff. Occasionally I watch those horrific hoarder shows in order to scare myself. Grief has not helped in that; sometimes I want to cling to some of Andy’s things. I think I do not want to deal with the feelings related to parting with them or I want to keep them for the boys. I hate having emotional attachment to things.

Those same perfectionist tendencies keep me from blogging, since I sometimes will work on a blog writing and rewriting and still be unsatisfied with my efforts. So today at least I am publishing this post without reconsidering it so that I can get off my duff and off the computer and get to some of the necessary tasks at hand.

Currently listening to:
the portable heater

Breakfast:
oatmeal

Currently reading:
Be Joyful
How to unspoil your child
A walk in the woods
Two chai day
Heaven is for real
(I tend to read multiple books at a time-my indecision and moodiness.)

Today grateful for:
being able to get my hair done
good child care
good health
working automobiles
vacation time
God’s provision
God's presence