guidance

it was a tough weekend as our dear kitty passed away.  she was at least 16 years old and had cancer.  she had slowed down and had lost a great deal of weight and strength since the fall of 2014.  she was the sweetest cat--never hissed or clawed or scratched--in fact she was a bit of a "scaredy cat."  

i was dreading her death because i was worried about how the boys would take it.  my oldest has had the most intense reaction to her failing health.  there have a been a few weekends when we thought she was close to death.  on this past thursday, when she stopped eating and drinking i knew the end was near.  i am thankful for God's timing as this past week was spring break for my oldest.  so when the kitty began have small seizures on thursday night, my son spent the night on the floor next to her comforting her throughout the night.  i was glad he did not have school on friday as it was an emotional drain on him.  our kitty passed away just a bit after 8 pm on friday night.  my son was beside her, but he was not looking at her directly.  he wanted to hold himself guilty in that he thought if he had been looking at her and touching her, she would have lived longer.   

i know these type of guilty thoughts when one you love dies.  i had the same thoughts many times regarding my husband's death.  rethinking things i thought i should have and could have done to change the outcome.  hard thoughts.

this was another one of those times when i wish i was not the only adult in the house.  i would have relied on my husband.  when my first cat died in 1998 a few weeks before we were married, i could not handle even telling the vet that my decision was to have her euthanized.  andy took care of that.  

but this time, it was up to me.  i had to bag her body up and dig the hole.  it was hard and i prayed along every step of the process because i was at a loss for what to say and do.  

so many times since andy's death, people have remarked, "you are so strong."  it is a lie.  i have no strength in myself.  i am so thankful---i can call on God--the source of all my strength.

i am often surprised that i do not call on God as quickly and frequently as i should.  i would have thought i would be at a higher level of spiritual maturity at this point in life.  in my hindsight many times, i wonder why it has taken me hours and sometimes days before i turn to God for strength or answers.  

sadness, stress, decisions, conflicts and struggles can hit me hard.  i have recognized since andy's death that i battle with depression. as i look back i have battled it since i was young.  it just occurred to me this weekend, that this may have a deeper cause---and i should seek God's guidance in dealing with it---to ask HIm to show me, teach me.  He has probably showed me this solution before....but it has taken me a while to hear and listen and obey.

dinner:
leftovers

currently reading:
2 blogs with lenten devotionals:         www.shereadstruth.com and www.aholyexperience.com

john14-16

the secret thoughts of an unlikely convert

24/6

today grateful for:
life group

sunshine

God's truth

God's faithfulness

God's timing

God's provision

the WORD

the sabbath

a working automobile

sweet times with my boys

my oldest son's tender heart

questions of life

I have written previously of my questions following Andy's death. This morning I read a devotional from Morningstar ministries that addresses "The Questions of Life" which are my questions. Rick Joyner writes:

"I am not sure why, but I intend to inquire of the Lord until we know. I am not doing this out of guilt or sorrow, but so we do not keep losing these battles."

The few times I have begun to inquire, I feel the fear begin to well up and so I stop. I cannot inquire yet with out "guilt or sorrow."

This morning I was reading from 2 Timothy where Paul knows his life is near the end and he writes to Timothy with a solid focus on God, His plan, and Jesus. I admire that maturity and quality in Paul, especially knowing where Paul was at that time. Rick Joyner also writes:

"As Paul Cain recently said, "Christian maturity does not come with the passage of time, but by the right responses to the dealings of God." If we are to mature from Dennis' battle, we must have the right response to it."

Here I am in my 40's and I am still far from spiritually mature. I know God is near, here with me---where am I? How far am I from Him?

currently listening to:
silence after a big blow up between the boys (each has been dispatched to a separate room)
and

currently reading:
the final battle
7: an experimental mutiny against excess
2 Timothy

today grateful for:
God and His patience with me
God's faithfulness
the Bible

security

Over the past few weeks, I have been battling my insecurities and fears. I have been mentally and emotionally bombarded by the news of all that has happened (death and destruction from weather, terrorists) coupled with the sermon by Alan Keyes which I heard on Palm Sunday and my tornado scare in NC. A day or so after our Palm Sunday weekend trip, I read the following from Jeremiah 45:4-5:

“Thus you shall say to him, ‘Thus says the LORD: “Behold, what I have built I will break down, and what I have planted I will pluck up, that is, this whole land. And do you seek great things for yourself? Do not seek them; for behold, I will bring adversity on all flesh,” says the LORD. “But I will give your life to you as a prize in all places, wherever you go.”’”

My mind has a tendency to run wild with imagination and fear if I let it. I hate that I let myself go there mentally so often. This week I have been getting documents in order in case something happens to me--in case I die. I am not particularly proud of my "fear focus" as I know this is not what God wants for me and for me to do with precious daily time.

Then over the past 24 hours I read an article by one missionary friend and watched a video about another friend's missionary trip. Both of which had accounts of staying focused on God-one was waiting on a doctor's report and one upon hearing of the death of her husband. (Thanks gals for your faithfulness to share.)

This morning I read the following account from Voice of the Martyrs' "Extreme Devotion" which has helped to cement in my mind a vivid image of focusing on God.

“I purified my heart of the fear of men, and I learned to see God.” Me Ling was young when she was arrested for her Christian activities in Communist China. During times of interrogation, the police would torture her to try to force her to betray friends in the underground church.
At first Me Ling was extremely fearful, and she could not see the purpose that God had for her in that terrible place. But then she remembered the teachings of her pastor who had said, “Real suffering lasts only a minute, and then we spend eternity with our awesome Savior.”
When asked how she was able to keep from going crazy during those terrible times, she replied, “When I closed my eyes, I could not see the angry faces of the men or the instruments of pain they were using. I kept repeating the promise of Christ to myself: ‘Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God’ (Matthew 5:8). I also found that when I purified my heart of the fear of men, I learned to really see God. I took courage from all the others who had gone before me and focused on him until everything else faded away. When the officials learned of my defense, they taped my eyelids open. But it was too late because my vision was secure.”

Father, forgive me for my fickleness. Thank you for your strong, yet gentle reminders.

Day 17

Yesterday was day 17 of my personal project. To tell you the truth, I have fallen behind in my tallies.(My goal is to pick up where I lost count since quitting is not an option.) I have spent the week attempting to return to complete health. I have felt like I was coming down with something all week and I was concerned since a number of my students have the week long nasty form of the stomach virus or flu.

I am blessed in that I have been able to. function in my necessary activities. I was blessed even more so today when I broke a tooth. I was able to get an emergency appointment with my dentist to get it fixed after work and before the boys child care center closed. An awesome blessing of timing and provision! I have had many times this week when all I could manage was soup and tea. I have not exercised, not because I was not able-I could have pushed myself-I have done that before. What concerns me is that if I exercise I drain my body and push it further into sickness. I have done that on several occasions before when my husband was alive. Twice by competing in races then to be laid up for several days. I cannot afford even one day of debilitating sickness.

As a single working mom with young children, there is no room for any bedridden illnesses. There are things I must do for my children-drive them to daycare and school, fix meals (esp. with the food sensitivity issues of my youngest), make sure the go to bed and wake up on time. I have thought through and tried to prepare for more serious scenarios. My oldest could call 911 if anything dire happened to me while he was with me. I made an emergency card which I carry in my wallet listing who my children are, where they go to school, as well as local and long distance contacts. I have thought through what would happen if I were in an accident on my way to pick up my children and I did not show up to pick them up. Worst case scenario-something happens and no one knows where I am or who I am. This weekend my main local and long distance contacts will be unavailable. It is not that I fear my own death, I worry about what such a loss would do to my fatherless, young children.

I know that God is in control and any control, I feel I have, is really a farce. I know what scripture says about fear and worry. I have several of those scriptures planted in my heart, but I cannot seem to get my head in on this bandwagon. I struggle with the opponent of "worry" on what seems to be a regular basis. I wish he, worry, could be strong-armed and defeated easily and removed permanently from my thoughts. Like so many opponents, when I have a victory, I tend to turn my back and move on to other things. Meanwhile, he sneaks up and catches me off-guard.

When I started writing this post, I had no intention of going down this morose trail of thoughts. I was just going to update my February progress.

Currently listening to:
boys playing (they woke up at 5:40 AM)

Dinner (last night):
soup & a smoothie b/c of my dental work
fast food for the boys

Currently reading:
Matthew
Best Friends with God
A Grace Disguised

Today grateful for:
my boys
good health
a great dentist
insurance
a great daycare
God's provision
God's faithfulness and love

A funeral and a birthday

Last week I have felt as though I was walking through dense mud while passing through a thick, heavy fog. This distressing period of time began with the funeral for the mother of one of my students. This dear boy is the same age as my eldest, in fact they are acquaintances from swim lessons. Her illness and death were extremely sudden--about a month from diagnosis to death. Many strong emotions flooded back as I grieved for his loss and my sons' loss with their young lives changed by this slap in the face from death. This left me in more of a raw state for the days to come.

Several significant days in the year (anniversaries, birthdays, etc.) require me to take deep breathes and draw intense strength from God to endure. Two of these days, I abhor and wish I could hit the fast forward or skip button--Valentine's Day and my birthday.

This week it was my birthday and it was more painful than any birthday thus far, especially since my beloved's death. Last year, I spent my birthday on the road and was able to mostly ignore the day. This year I felt especially anti-social and wanted to be as far away as possible from all people with the exception of my boys. So I bolted and we left church midway through the service. I fled to one of my fav places of retreat--the mountains. We went home, changed clothes, packed a picnic basket and headed out. The weather was perfect and I found joy in the soothing simplicity of this uncluttered, unfettered place and time. Picnicking on a simple lunch of home baked bread, gouda cheese, fresh fruit, a ripe summer tomato and clean water with my boys amongst remarkable views of the mountains, water, the sky--ahhhh---deep breathes, God and His gifts all in one spot.

Currently listening to: quiet

Dinner:
leftovers plus food made by T in his cooking class

Currently reading:
How to Stop the Pain: Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional

Today grateful for:
my boys
simple joys
the presence of God
my best friend
creation
the mountains in our backyard