lukewarm

Lately I have felt lukewarm spiritually. I have neglected my "Refuge."

I have felt stuck in the middle between a very, exhausting workplace and issues of parenting that I feel inadequate to handle.

I am a teacher and yet both of my children have struggles at school-one academically and one behaviorally. I serve in a leadership position at work which has required me to put in several 9+ hour days lately. The feeling of failure both at work and at home have been intense. I am spread too thin and I have been ineffective.

In the past month, I have faced many decisions. When I have to make a difficult decision, I want to run away. My late husband was my rock in this area-the decision maker. After his death, my avoidance of decision making has grown worse! There is no one with whom to mull over choices about disciplining children, making schooling choices, financial plans, and so many other things both mundane and important.

Often the thought crosses my mind, I am a grown-up, in my late 40's. I should be able to tackle these things. How do you get to this point in life and still feel the need to have someone more "grown-up" to help me. Calling Mom is no longer an option.

Once again, I have to start over, giving it to God. I ask myself, why do I have to feel crushed before I seek His refuge? I have no long elaborate prayers. Just the simple, "I need you. I cannot do this." As many times as I have done that before, I am always amazed with how quickly He answers.

I am encouraged by persecuted Christians thousands of miles away. I am heartened by stories of the strong faith of African widows who must scrape by to feed their children. I am inspired by parents who have suffered devastating loss yet have remained faithful. I am refreshed by widow friends and single moms I know who see past themselves to take care of others.

dinner:
pizza

currently listening to:
a snoring dog and the portable heater

currently reading:
my one word
a wind in the door

today grateful for: 
God, His faithfulness and His answers to my prayers
friends
my boys 
snuggling with my boys
my oldest son's caring way with his little brother
a job
provision 
good health